Post by electrastevens on Oct 18, 2012 19:07:31 GMT -5
OOC: A couple things.
This takes place a day after Holly's CD RP. Second, this will be more than 1 part and thirdly... We've tried something a little different because Holly and I both write differently, so hope you enjoy it!
Big Thanks to my writing buddy Holly for helping me on it!
~*~
Lexi’s POV:
There was something to be said for honesty. There were so many sayings about it. Honesty was the best route, honesty will set you free... but for the life of me I didn’t feel free. I felt more lost than I had in my entire life.
Watching the doctors check out Adian, I watched but I wasn’t actually present. I was too busy going over things in my head... making plans should he decide that my deception was a deal breaker. He couldn’t fool me with his fake smiles and words. I knew he was probably thinking about things as much as I seemed to be doing. I knew that once the doctor was done, he’d be clear to leave the hospital and we’d basically be going to the apartment for a short stop and then over to the airport... to make it to LA in time to be at Aftershock.
I wished there were some magic words that would let him know that I hadn’t set out to betray his trust.... I mean I thought what i was doing was what was best for me at the time.... Would his reaction have been the same if I had run to Drake instead? Was it because it was an ex boyfriend? Did he really doubt my loyalty because the last time someone had doubted my loyalty had been Ryan when he’d thrown a dresser at me. I knew Aidan wasn't that type of man but I think his distrust hurt more than it did when I’d felt that impact.
the doctor handed him a clipboard and he quickly signed it, not even as neatly as I’d seen him do before. He really wanted out of the hospital, but I couldn't blame him. Once that was done the doctor smiled at me.
“It was nice meeting you Miss Stevens. Make sure to take care of him.”
I smiled, although it wasn’t one I’d normally give someone. It was obvious that my hurt and confusion was still bothering me, no matter how hard I tried to hide it.
“Of course. Thank you Doctor.” he smiled back, then at Aidan before leaving the room, shutting the door behind him. there was an awkward silence. We hadn't really talked since I’d gotten there an hour ago. Despite what Aidan had insisted, I didn't have a warm bath and I hadn't slept in the bed.... in fact over the course of the night I’d tossed and turned on the sofa. Camilla had even expressed concern for me when she’d come out at 5 am and woken me as she turned off the TV, blasting some exercise program.
He gave me a tight smile and I set the bag I’d brought him with his clothes on the bed and turned to leave the room. I caught his confused expression.
“Why are you leaving? Lexi I thought we were past this point....” it was enough to cause a true humour filled smile on his face, his eyes momentarily flashed to my stomach.
“ I'm a little hungry. I was just going to go and grab something from the snack machine.” I left the room before he could protest, and I'm sure he would and he was probably mad at me again for running from the heaviness lingering around us. He hated that I didn't like to show my emotions so easily, but there were some things that he wouldn't always get his way with. sometimes his concern came out more like demands. Maybe it was time I started being more forceful. I had thought I had done that yesterday but it obviously wasn't enough for his confidence in me to re-build.
I put in some money and sighed heavily that now it cost a 1.50 for a chocolate bar. I didn't actually want it but I needed to actually look like I was doing what I said I was going to do, just in case he came out before I returned. i pressed the buttons for it and the spiral holder started to turn and then stopped just short of releasing the treat. A memory came to me at that point... one where Aidan himself had beat up a vending machine for a chocolate bar. A moment I had made fun of when I’d faced him.
“Well Fuck.” My frustration coming out without me realizing it. A mother walking behind me quickly covered her son’s ears and gave me a nasty look. Shit. Great role model I was. I knew that I could easily break the plastic with one heel kick but I couldn't bring myself to do that, instead of that I banged a little on the front of it, hoping to knock it loose.
An overwhelming need to burst into tears swept over me but I tried to keep my cool, instead slumping into a nearby chair and covering my face with my hands.
Here I was, upset about a fucking candy bar when I had other more important things going on. All the stress of the last few weeks was finally starting to surface and I was a mess. It was something I didn't want to release completely in front of Aidan. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. To feel guilty that I’d spent many nights just listening to the sound of the machine that kept him breathing, waiting and hoping that it didn't stop working. the nights when all I wanted to do was climb into that tiny bed beside him and cry myself to sleep. It also brought up all the un-resolved feelings of abandonment I felt by my mother. not that her death was on purpose or anything but I still felt as though she abandoned Chrissy and I when we needed her the most. left us in the care of a monster. A monster that had robbed me of something precious that I could never get back. something I had to tell Aidan about... whether I wanted to forget about it or not. One of the main reasons that matty and this baby were miracles. I had to give him more details than I’d even given Drake.
I only hoped that he wouldn't look at me differently. I didn't use my abuse as a reason for people to feel sorry for me but he needed to know why I didn't show my emotions as easily as other women. Why I hid most of myself inside. Daniel had taken a lot of things over those 2 years when I’d been his personal doll. 2 years I’d slept with one eye open, praying that it would always be my door opening in the middle of the night and not Chrissy’s.
the memory of that first night came to me. The smells... the pressure of him pinning me down... without meaning to I clenched my fists. I felt someone grab me by the shoulders and I tried to push them off, not realizing that I’d momentarily dozed off in the chair and that this was a nightmare. One I didn't dream about often.
“Get off me....”
“Lexi....” the voice sounded far away.
“leave me alone.... please....” there were tears in my eyes and a waver in my voice. the hands shook me a little harder.
“Lexi... your dreaming... wake up....”
I gasped as I opened my eyes and say the caring concerned eyes of Adian’s best friend Josh looking at me with shock. A crowd had sorta started to gather around us and I looked around embarrassed but even more embarrassed when I saw that Adian was standing not far behind Josh with the bag I’d brought slung over his shoulder. I couldn’t read his expression. A nurse broke from the people and came over to me, immediately pushing Josh out of the way to look at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked. She was older. Warm blue eyes stared into mine. I think part of it was to make sure my pupils were reacting normally to the light in the hallway.
“I’m fine. I”m sorry.... nightmare... “ I offered a small sheepish smile and the crowd started to walk away, muttering about a lack of climax to the situation that they all thought was a mental break.
the nurse shook her head. “In your condition Miss Stevens... you really need to get better rest. You look exhausted.”
I recognized her as one of the nurses that regularly had come into the room to check on Aidan and to have a little small talk with me and Camilla.
“Thank you. I’ll be able to sleep better now...”
“I bet.”
She turned after that, smiling at Aidan as she went back to her regular duties. Josh watched her for a second and then turned back to me, his worry mirroring Aidan’s as he came closer.
“ Didn't you sleep last night? I thought you were going home to sleep in a real bed?” Josh said shaking his head, knowing right away that I hadn't.
“ I'm fine.” I offered and stood, brushing off his helping hand. “I appreciate your concern Josh.”
I started down the hall, not waiting to see if the two men were following me or not. I was certainly not in the mood to talk about the day-mare that I’d just had to relive and I certainly was not going to give any explanations to Josh. he was a great guy and he’d been as devoted to seeing that Aidan got the best care as I was but I still didn't know him well enough to trust him with my secrets.
“Are you going to be okay to drive? I don’t mind taking you guys to the airport....” Josh was more talking to Aidan behind me then to me. I looked behind my shoulder just in time to see Aidan give him a shake of the head and it was a look that i guess two people that were as friends as long as they had been shared... a telepathic link where Aidan had told him to back off.
“Like I said, I'm fine. Thank you Josh.” I tried to offer him a genuine smile but in all honesty I was far from my regular perky self. The mood that fell over me at this particular moment was dark and if the wrong thing was said i might just blow up.
We made it to the parking lot where I found the car easily and the two men climbed in. It wasn't far to Josh’s hotel. Aidan shook his hand, thanked him for everything and then he climbed back into the car. The way he moved you would think the broken rib didn't bother him. he then turned to me and I knew what was coming. he wanted to know what had spawned not only me falling asleep in a waiting room chair in a matter of seconds after leaving his room but also why I had been yelling at Josh as if he were hurting me. Before he could ask I started to talk.
“The whole reason I learned how to fight, how to wrestle was because of my step-father.”
his eyebrow raised a little.
“I was sexually and Physically abused for almost two years. I met Justin, learned his father was an MMA trainer and I had him train me. Then I beat the shit out of my step-father and paralyzed him, but that’s not the worst part... I almost killed him.... and I don’t feel sorry for it. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably.”
I spent the next few minutes, describing some of the things I’d had to endure, including the beatings. Having to explain to teachers, friends and doctors why I was bruised, why i was bleeding a lot, why I was having trouble with my cycle.
the conversation lasted long after we’d pulled into the parking garage of our building, even though most of it was one sided. he sat there and listened and i couldn’t quite make out what he was thinking.
when I was done talking about Daniel, remembering vividly him lying on my bedroom rug, staining the white material red with his blood, his legs at odd angles. the thing that stood out the most and haunted me still was him choking on his own saliva and me standing over him, my hands ached with how hard I’d punched him. He looked up at me with one good blue eye and for a minute I thought I saw regret in that eye, but he’d passed out after that. After my breathing had slowed down I picked up the phone and called 911, claiming that we’d had an attempted break in. Chrissy and I had worked fast, breaking windows from the outside, breaking valuable pieces... making a mess. She hadn’t understood why I had beat him so badly at that point but I told her to just trust me and I’d tell her everything after. The funny thing was that once I did tell her what had happened, I’d been the one comforting her, crying on my shoulder. She’d continuously told me how sorry she was.... it wasn’t her fault. i didn’t think of it as her fault. I’d done what I did to protect my sister, although older, she was weaker than I was. it was my duty to protect her.
Of course my story didn’t end there but for now, I’d let that part sink in for him. Would he think I was damaged now? that somehow I wasn’t as good anymore? I often felt as though I didn’t deserve a lot of the good things that had happened in my life. that maybe I’d deserved to be in a bad relationship with a man that had about as much respect for me as an exterminator had for the cockroaches he killed.
“you don’t have to say anything and I don’t want sympathy. I'm not the kind of girl that cries about the past... at least not usually. Your one of a few people I've shared the full story with. I wanted you to know the kind of person I could be if pushed too far but I also didn't want you to think that I was this perfect woman with no flaws. After I left that house and got away from him I didn't talk about it again until a few months ago when I told Drake. I never told Ryan and I never told Justin. so you see this is why this baby is a miracle. I know you will probably look at me differently after this and that’s okay. At least you know.”
I got out of the car and didn't make it any farther than the front of the car. I leaned against the hood and stared at the darkened parking garage, almost expecting someone to come out and make me pay for my errors, make me feel the pain that I’d inflicted on Daniel. he had done terrible things to me and I knew that he did deserve how badly I’d beaten him, but I wasn't really that kind of person. that had been one of the few times when my anger had taken over.
I heard Aidan’s door open and within seconds I felt his hand on my shoulder.
Caine’s POV:
Caine’s head was pounding, he still felt weak and tired, and every breath left him feeling like his left lung was on fire. But for the past almost two hours he hadn’t felt any of it. Lexi had been distant all day and he’d instantly picked up on it when she had arrived at the hospital. Things were off… wrong… they were not in their usual sync, their relationship – something that had always come so easily – suddenly seemed the complete opposite and it had left Caine feeling on edge and unsettled. It was as if she hadn’t even wanted to be left alone in a room with him. Her outburst at the hospital had even frightened him in its severity. Aidan was genuinely worried about her. She needed to sleep more, for herself and for the baby, or else she was going to make herself sick. She’d obviously not taken his advice and relaxed at home the night before. It had almost angered him how little she was taking care of herself. Now he felt he understood a little more. She’d probably been trying to figure out how to finally tell him about her past, a past that he was already somewhat familiar with.
He’d been so quiet while she’d talked, listening and measuring every word, pause, and facial expression. Some things she’d told him he hadn’t known but a lot of it he’d known for months, ever since her sister Chrissy had accidentally told him. At the time he’d promised Chrissy he wouldn’t let Lexi know that he already knew about her past. So now, hearing her finally come clean with him it meant a lot for her to be so open and trusting. He’d tried to focus on that instead of the details only she could provide. It hadn’t worked very well and now he felt all the pain, empathy, sadness, and all-encompassing fury that he’d felt when he’d first heard about Lexi’s step-father. He couldn’t imagine what it had been like for her and trying all but killed him. What could he say? Were there any “right” words for a scenario like this? He highly doubted it so for a moment all he could do was touch her shoulder, wanting to pull her into his arms and hold her as if he could shield out every possible pain or heartache from the past, present, and even the future. He was unsure though if such a move would receive a warm reception however considering how icy they’d been toward one another lately so instead he kept his touch and his words simple and soft.
"You may not believe this but… I don’t look at you any differently than I have for months…"
It wasn’t a lie. It’d been months since he’d initially heard about what Lexi had endured it had affected how he’d seen her ever since. It explained so much about who she was now. It was the reason he’d tried to be extra patient with her when she held in her emotions or hid them from him and ever since that fateful evening out in Chrissy’s second floor hallway he’d been extra cautious when they’d made love, always worried that if his touch were a little too rough or his advances too aggressive it would bring back terrible memories. When Chrissy had revealed the truth to him, months before, his girlfriend had instantly become more fragile in his eyes and any changes in how he’d seen her had come then.
And yesterday…
He shrugged off the thought. Yesterday had been about something entirely different. Now he silently worried that his lack of surprise at her story wouldn’t somehow come across as uncaring. Silently he gave thanks that he’d already known. Otherwise it would have been even harder to hold himself together and not hunt that criminal down and finish what Electra had started.
"I can’t tell you how to feel, I wouldn't even know where to begin, just like I can’t tell you how much I wish you had never had go through that kind of terror and pain. I will say though that if I had been around, I WOULD have killed him so what does that say about me? Does that make me a horrible person Lexi? If so than I guess we are both horrible people. I don’t think it does though. I think you shouldn't feel any concern about what you did to a man that deserved even worse than what he got. I do think maybe you should try talking to someone about this though. Someone who could probably help you more than I ever could even hope to. I think you might need it, for yourself. And don’t worry, I know you have your flaws and aren't perfect because no one is. I've also been on the receiving end of an Electra Stevens beating, verbal and physical, and I know it was only a taste of what you gave him, so I still know “the kind of person you could be” if pushed. If you don’t want sympathy I won’t give it. If you just want to be able to talk about it, I’ll always listen… I’ll be whatever you want or need me to be to help you Lex."
Lexi’s POV:
I turned around to look him in the face, There was no hiding the raw open emotions on my face now. Maybe I did need to talk to someone about what I’d done, however.... if I admitted to the beating then Daniel wouldn’t hesitate to have me arrested... even though it had been 12 years. I guess I could talk to someone about the abuse itself.
“I’ve worked through this on my own for a very long time. The whole reason why I haven’t gone and sought out help was because of the circumstances. if i admit that i was the one that did that beating on Daniel... that I was the one that paralysed him, I’d end be up on charges. What’s done is done and I don’t usually let it affect my daily life. Maybe for the first few years after I was more of a wreck. Why I was a heel in my first fed....I took out all my anger, my fear and my insecurities beating other women to an legal inch of their lives and it made me feel.... powerful. But after a while... after I ended up in the hospital after that one hardcore match... I knew that I couldn't’ do it anymore... and I did move on. I forgot about it... that is until it seemed to start all over again with Ryan. Don't’ take that the wrong way, he was never physically abusive until that one day when I left, it was always mental....which I guess isn’t really any better.”
I took a deep sigh.
“I’m not some fragile flower Caine. I’m not going to break and as you can see... I have times when it does tend to affect me but really, this is the first time in years that I’ve let it affect me. The look in Rage’s eyes when he tossed me like a rag doll... it was like when he threw that shelf at me. I’m just glad Justin was there that first time. Before he became this asshole we all know now. Fact of the matter is, I don’t trust him anymore. I’ll never be able to be his friend again and I'm okay with that. We’ve paid our debts to each other in full and I can move on and so can he. I thought I helped him with his IED but I guess it was only suppressed. i see it more and more every day and now that he’s hanging out with Blaze it’s only a matter of time before he goes absolutely crazy and loses his shit. By the way... you know something about him that no one else does so if he does try and threaten you with telling the world about the baby, just use this back.”
I didn’t like tit for tat games usually but I had to have something in my back pocket. I also felt guilty partly for Caine’s loss since I had been Bliss’ primary trainer but I’d never taught her to cut corners.
“I don’t think I have to get into details about my joke of a marriage. It’s pretty obvious how it was. The first few years were great... he wasn’t anything like the man he is now but slowly... it all changed. The anger that grew in him because I wasn’t able to give him the child he wanted so bad and not being able to tell him the reason for the same reason that i didn’t tell Justin. Either one of them would go and finish the job, like you said you would have. i wasn’t protecting Daniel, I was protecting my husband and my Best friend from going to jail. After a few failed IVF’s and miscarriages he stopped talking to me all together... and then wouldn’t you know... one night with too much alcohol sure as shit I happen to get pregnant. of course what fueled the whole shelf incident.... he accused me of cheating on him again. yes... I did cheat on him. Once. and that is the only time I’ve ever cheated on anybody in my entire life. cold feet the night before my wedding and I almost didn’t do it because of it. he said he forgave me but when I look back on it... I know he didn’t. So his first reaction to learning that I was pregnant was that it was Justin’s since he hadn’t been successful. And I might, in my anger back at him told him that it was true.... the rest you know. there is no way that matty is Justin’s kid. I haven’t slept with him since that night.”
I took a another deep breath. I knew that he was probably going to start thinking that I had thoughts the same as i had that night before I had committed myself to Ryan but i wouldn't do that again...especially when i felt the kind of love that I felt right now. I was sure though, that our relationship was fractured pretty badly right now. Maybe if I had told him this stuff before his injury... before everything it might be different but now I just felt like I was digging my own grave deeper and deeper.
“The fear that I had these last few weeks made me stupid with worry. I don’t deal well with sickness or death and the thought that I might lose you before I even really got to start a life with you... I dunno, I think it just spiralled into what you're witnessing now... what happened yesterday even....doesn’t help with all these extra hormones either you know... not that I'm using the baby as an excuse for being an irrational head case.”
I tried to offer a weak smile, not knowing if it would do anything.
“I swear that’s all the dirty little secrets I have now. There isn’t anything else that I haven’t told you about. You know about my mother. You know that my father took off when I was barely giving my mom a positive pregnancy test. I’m very tired Aidan and all I want now is just lose myself in your arms and forget about everything.... and if anything try and earn back that trust I’ve lost from you. I promise that from now on, I’m not going to hide anything from you, as hard as it’s going to be to open up about when I’m not feeling myself... I can promise that I won’t hide behind bathroom doors, or even with an excuse of hunger.”
I looked down at the oil spills on the parking garage ground, not exactly sure where we were going to go from here.
“Although that stupid vending machine didn’t give me my damn chocolate bar....”
This takes place a day after Holly's CD RP. Second, this will be more than 1 part and thirdly... We've tried something a little different because Holly and I both write differently, so hope you enjoy it!
Big Thanks to my writing buddy Holly for helping me on it!
~*~
Lexi’s POV:
There was something to be said for honesty. There were so many sayings about it. Honesty was the best route, honesty will set you free... but for the life of me I didn’t feel free. I felt more lost than I had in my entire life.
Watching the doctors check out Adian, I watched but I wasn’t actually present. I was too busy going over things in my head... making plans should he decide that my deception was a deal breaker. He couldn’t fool me with his fake smiles and words. I knew he was probably thinking about things as much as I seemed to be doing. I knew that once the doctor was done, he’d be clear to leave the hospital and we’d basically be going to the apartment for a short stop and then over to the airport... to make it to LA in time to be at Aftershock.
I wished there were some magic words that would let him know that I hadn’t set out to betray his trust.... I mean I thought what i was doing was what was best for me at the time.... Would his reaction have been the same if I had run to Drake instead? Was it because it was an ex boyfriend? Did he really doubt my loyalty because the last time someone had doubted my loyalty had been Ryan when he’d thrown a dresser at me. I knew Aidan wasn't that type of man but I think his distrust hurt more than it did when I’d felt that impact.
the doctor handed him a clipboard and he quickly signed it, not even as neatly as I’d seen him do before. He really wanted out of the hospital, but I couldn't blame him. Once that was done the doctor smiled at me.
“It was nice meeting you Miss Stevens. Make sure to take care of him.”
I smiled, although it wasn’t one I’d normally give someone. It was obvious that my hurt and confusion was still bothering me, no matter how hard I tried to hide it.
“Of course. Thank you Doctor.” he smiled back, then at Aidan before leaving the room, shutting the door behind him. there was an awkward silence. We hadn't really talked since I’d gotten there an hour ago. Despite what Aidan had insisted, I didn't have a warm bath and I hadn't slept in the bed.... in fact over the course of the night I’d tossed and turned on the sofa. Camilla had even expressed concern for me when she’d come out at 5 am and woken me as she turned off the TV, blasting some exercise program.
He gave me a tight smile and I set the bag I’d brought him with his clothes on the bed and turned to leave the room. I caught his confused expression.
“Why are you leaving? Lexi I thought we were past this point....” it was enough to cause a true humour filled smile on his face, his eyes momentarily flashed to my stomach.
“ I'm a little hungry. I was just going to go and grab something from the snack machine.” I left the room before he could protest, and I'm sure he would and he was probably mad at me again for running from the heaviness lingering around us. He hated that I didn't like to show my emotions so easily, but there were some things that he wouldn't always get his way with. sometimes his concern came out more like demands. Maybe it was time I started being more forceful. I had thought I had done that yesterday but it obviously wasn't enough for his confidence in me to re-build.
I put in some money and sighed heavily that now it cost a 1.50 for a chocolate bar. I didn't actually want it but I needed to actually look like I was doing what I said I was going to do, just in case he came out before I returned. i pressed the buttons for it and the spiral holder started to turn and then stopped just short of releasing the treat. A memory came to me at that point... one where Aidan himself had beat up a vending machine for a chocolate bar. A moment I had made fun of when I’d faced him.
“Well Fuck.” My frustration coming out without me realizing it. A mother walking behind me quickly covered her son’s ears and gave me a nasty look. Shit. Great role model I was. I knew that I could easily break the plastic with one heel kick but I couldn't bring myself to do that, instead of that I banged a little on the front of it, hoping to knock it loose.
An overwhelming need to burst into tears swept over me but I tried to keep my cool, instead slumping into a nearby chair and covering my face with my hands.
Here I was, upset about a fucking candy bar when I had other more important things going on. All the stress of the last few weeks was finally starting to surface and I was a mess. It was something I didn't want to release completely in front of Aidan. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. To feel guilty that I’d spent many nights just listening to the sound of the machine that kept him breathing, waiting and hoping that it didn't stop working. the nights when all I wanted to do was climb into that tiny bed beside him and cry myself to sleep. It also brought up all the un-resolved feelings of abandonment I felt by my mother. not that her death was on purpose or anything but I still felt as though she abandoned Chrissy and I when we needed her the most. left us in the care of a monster. A monster that had robbed me of something precious that I could never get back. something I had to tell Aidan about... whether I wanted to forget about it or not. One of the main reasons that matty and this baby were miracles. I had to give him more details than I’d even given Drake.
I only hoped that he wouldn't look at me differently. I didn't use my abuse as a reason for people to feel sorry for me but he needed to know why I didn't show my emotions as easily as other women. Why I hid most of myself inside. Daniel had taken a lot of things over those 2 years when I’d been his personal doll. 2 years I’d slept with one eye open, praying that it would always be my door opening in the middle of the night and not Chrissy’s.
the memory of that first night came to me. The smells... the pressure of him pinning me down... without meaning to I clenched my fists. I felt someone grab me by the shoulders and I tried to push them off, not realizing that I’d momentarily dozed off in the chair and that this was a nightmare. One I didn't dream about often.
“Get off me....”
“Lexi....” the voice sounded far away.
“leave me alone.... please....” there were tears in my eyes and a waver in my voice. the hands shook me a little harder.
“Lexi... your dreaming... wake up....”
I gasped as I opened my eyes and say the caring concerned eyes of Adian’s best friend Josh looking at me with shock. A crowd had sorta started to gather around us and I looked around embarrassed but even more embarrassed when I saw that Adian was standing not far behind Josh with the bag I’d brought slung over his shoulder. I couldn’t read his expression. A nurse broke from the people and came over to me, immediately pushing Josh out of the way to look at me.
“Are you okay?” she asked. She was older. Warm blue eyes stared into mine. I think part of it was to make sure my pupils were reacting normally to the light in the hallway.
“I’m fine. I”m sorry.... nightmare... “ I offered a small sheepish smile and the crowd started to walk away, muttering about a lack of climax to the situation that they all thought was a mental break.
the nurse shook her head. “In your condition Miss Stevens... you really need to get better rest. You look exhausted.”
I recognized her as one of the nurses that regularly had come into the room to check on Aidan and to have a little small talk with me and Camilla.
“Thank you. I’ll be able to sleep better now...”
“I bet.”
She turned after that, smiling at Aidan as she went back to her regular duties. Josh watched her for a second and then turned back to me, his worry mirroring Aidan’s as he came closer.
“ Didn't you sleep last night? I thought you were going home to sleep in a real bed?” Josh said shaking his head, knowing right away that I hadn't.
“ I'm fine.” I offered and stood, brushing off his helping hand. “I appreciate your concern Josh.”
I started down the hall, not waiting to see if the two men were following me or not. I was certainly not in the mood to talk about the day-mare that I’d just had to relive and I certainly was not going to give any explanations to Josh. he was a great guy and he’d been as devoted to seeing that Aidan got the best care as I was but I still didn't know him well enough to trust him with my secrets.
“Are you going to be okay to drive? I don’t mind taking you guys to the airport....” Josh was more talking to Aidan behind me then to me. I looked behind my shoulder just in time to see Aidan give him a shake of the head and it was a look that i guess two people that were as friends as long as they had been shared... a telepathic link where Aidan had told him to back off.
“Like I said, I'm fine. Thank you Josh.” I tried to offer him a genuine smile but in all honesty I was far from my regular perky self. The mood that fell over me at this particular moment was dark and if the wrong thing was said i might just blow up.
We made it to the parking lot where I found the car easily and the two men climbed in. It wasn't far to Josh’s hotel. Aidan shook his hand, thanked him for everything and then he climbed back into the car. The way he moved you would think the broken rib didn't bother him. he then turned to me and I knew what was coming. he wanted to know what had spawned not only me falling asleep in a waiting room chair in a matter of seconds after leaving his room but also why I had been yelling at Josh as if he were hurting me. Before he could ask I started to talk.
“The whole reason I learned how to fight, how to wrestle was because of my step-father.”
his eyebrow raised a little.
“I was sexually and Physically abused for almost two years. I met Justin, learned his father was an MMA trainer and I had him train me. Then I beat the shit out of my step-father and paralyzed him, but that’s not the worst part... I almost killed him.... and I don’t feel sorry for it. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably.”
I spent the next few minutes, describing some of the things I’d had to endure, including the beatings. Having to explain to teachers, friends and doctors why I was bruised, why i was bleeding a lot, why I was having trouble with my cycle.
the conversation lasted long after we’d pulled into the parking garage of our building, even though most of it was one sided. he sat there and listened and i couldn’t quite make out what he was thinking.
when I was done talking about Daniel, remembering vividly him lying on my bedroom rug, staining the white material red with his blood, his legs at odd angles. the thing that stood out the most and haunted me still was him choking on his own saliva and me standing over him, my hands ached with how hard I’d punched him. He looked up at me with one good blue eye and for a minute I thought I saw regret in that eye, but he’d passed out after that. After my breathing had slowed down I picked up the phone and called 911, claiming that we’d had an attempted break in. Chrissy and I had worked fast, breaking windows from the outside, breaking valuable pieces... making a mess. She hadn’t understood why I had beat him so badly at that point but I told her to just trust me and I’d tell her everything after. The funny thing was that once I did tell her what had happened, I’d been the one comforting her, crying on my shoulder. She’d continuously told me how sorry she was.... it wasn’t her fault. i didn’t think of it as her fault. I’d done what I did to protect my sister, although older, she was weaker than I was. it was my duty to protect her.
Of course my story didn’t end there but for now, I’d let that part sink in for him. Would he think I was damaged now? that somehow I wasn’t as good anymore? I often felt as though I didn’t deserve a lot of the good things that had happened in my life. that maybe I’d deserved to be in a bad relationship with a man that had about as much respect for me as an exterminator had for the cockroaches he killed.
“you don’t have to say anything and I don’t want sympathy. I'm not the kind of girl that cries about the past... at least not usually. Your one of a few people I've shared the full story with. I wanted you to know the kind of person I could be if pushed too far but I also didn't want you to think that I was this perfect woman with no flaws. After I left that house and got away from him I didn't talk about it again until a few months ago when I told Drake. I never told Ryan and I never told Justin. so you see this is why this baby is a miracle. I know you will probably look at me differently after this and that’s okay. At least you know.”
I got out of the car and didn't make it any farther than the front of the car. I leaned against the hood and stared at the darkened parking garage, almost expecting someone to come out and make me pay for my errors, make me feel the pain that I’d inflicted on Daniel. he had done terrible things to me and I knew that he did deserve how badly I’d beaten him, but I wasn't really that kind of person. that had been one of the few times when my anger had taken over.
I heard Aidan’s door open and within seconds I felt his hand on my shoulder.
Caine’s POV:
Caine’s head was pounding, he still felt weak and tired, and every breath left him feeling like his left lung was on fire. But for the past almost two hours he hadn’t felt any of it. Lexi had been distant all day and he’d instantly picked up on it when she had arrived at the hospital. Things were off… wrong… they were not in their usual sync, their relationship – something that had always come so easily – suddenly seemed the complete opposite and it had left Caine feeling on edge and unsettled. It was as if she hadn’t even wanted to be left alone in a room with him. Her outburst at the hospital had even frightened him in its severity. Aidan was genuinely worried about her. She needed to sleep more, for herself and for the baby, or else she was going to make herself sick. She’d obviously not taken his advice and relaxed at home the night before. It had almost angered him how little she was taking care of herself. Now he felt he understood a little more. She’d probably been trying to figure out how to finally tell him about her past, a past that he was already somewhat familiar with.
He’d been so quiet while she’d talked, listening and measuring every word, pause, and facial expression. Some things she’d told him he hadn’t known but a lot of it he’d known for months, ever since her sister Chrissy had accidentally told him. At the time he’d promised Chrissy he wouldn’t let Lexi know that he already knew about her past. So now, hearing her finally come clean with him it meant a lot for her to be so open and trusting. He’d tried to focus on that instead of the details only she could provide. It hadn’t worked very well and now he felt all the pain, empathy, sadness, and all-encompassing fury that he’d felt when he’d first heard about Lexi’s step-father. He couldn’t imagine what it had been like for her and trying all but killed him. What could he say? Were there any “right” words for a scenario like this? He highly doubted it so for a moment all he could do was touch her shoulder, wanting to pull her into his arms and hold her as if he could shield out every possible pain or heartache from the past, present, and even the future. He was unsure though if such a move would receive a warm reception however considering how icy they’d been toward one another lately so instead he kept his touch and his words simple and soft.
"You may not believe this but… I don’t look at you any differently than I have for months…"
It wasn’t a lie. It’d been months since he’d initially heard about what Lexi had endured it had affected how he’d seen her ever since. It explained so much about who she was now. It was the reason he’d tried to be extra patient with her when she held in her emotions or hid them from him and ever since that fateful evening out in Chrissy’s second floor hallway he’d been extra cautious when they’d made love, always worried that if his touch were a little too rough or his advances too aggressive it would bring back terrible memories. When Chrissy had revealed the truth to him, months before, his girlfriend had instantly become more fragile in his eyes and any changes in how he’d seen her had come then.
And yesterday…
He shrugged off the thought. Yesterday had been about something entirely different. Now he silently worried that his lack of surprise at her story wouldn’t somehow come across as uncaring. Silently he gave thanks that he’d already known. Otherwise it would have been even harder to hold himself together and not hunt that criminal down and finish what Electra had started.
"I can’t tell you how to feel, I wouldn't even know where to begin, just like I can’t tell you how much I wish you had never had go through that kind of terror and pain. I will say though that if I had been around, I WOULD have killed him so what does that say about me? Does that make me a horrible person Lexi? If so than I guess we are both horrible people. I don’t think it does though. I think you shouldn't feel any concern about what you did to a man that deserved even worse than what he got. I do think maybe you should try talking to someone about this though. Someone who could probably help you more than I ever could even hope to. I think you might need it, for yourself. And don’t worry, I know you have your flaws and aren't perfect because no one is. I've also been on the receiving end of an Electra Stevens beating, verbal and physical, and I know it was only a taste of what you gave him, so I still know “the kind of person you could be” if pushed. If you don’t want sympathy I won’t give it. If you just want to be able to talk about it, I’ll always listen… I’ll be whatever you want or need me to be to help you Lex."
Lexi’s POV:
I turned around to look him in the face, There was no hiding the raw open emotions on my face now. Maybe I did need to talk to someone about what I’d done, however.... if I admitted to the beating then Daniel wouldn’t hesitate to have me arrested... even though it had been 12 years. I guess I could talk to someone about the abuse itself.
“I’ve worked through this on my own for a very long time. The whole reason why I haven’t gone and sought out help was because of the circumstances. if i admit that i was the one that did that beating on Daniel... that I was the one that paralysed him, I’d end be up on charges. What’s done is done and I don’t usually let it affect my daily life. Maybe for the first few years after I was more of a wreck. Why I was a heel in my first fed....I took out all my anger, my fear and my insecurities beating other women to an legal inch of their lives and it made me feel.... powerful. But after a while... after I ended up in the hospital after that one hardcore match... I knew that I couldn't’ do it anymore... and I did move on. I forgot about it... that is until it seemed to start all over again with Ryan. Don't’ take that the wrong way, he was never physically abusive until that one day when I left, it was always mental....which I guess isn’t really any better.”
I took a deep sigh.
“I’m not some fragile flower Caine. I’m not going to break and as you can see... I have times when it does tend to affect me but really, this is the first time in years that I’ve let it affect me. The look in Rage’s eyes when he tossed me like a rag doll... it was like when he threw that shelf at me. I’m just glad Justin was there that first time. Before he became this asshole we all know now. Fact of the matter is, I don’t trust him anymore. I’ll never be able to be his friend again and I'm okay with that. We’ve paid our debts to each other in full and I can move on and so can he. I thought I helped him with his IED but I guess it was only suppressed. i see it more and more every day and now that he’s hanging out with Blaze it’s only a matter of time before he goes absolutely crazy and loses his shit. By the way... you know something about him that no one else does so if he does try and threaten you with telling the world about the baby, just use this back.”
I didn’t like tit for tat games usually but I had to have something in my back pocket. I also felt guilty partly for Caine’s loss since I had been Bliss’ primary trainer but I’d never taught her to cut corners.
“I don’t think I have to get into details about my joke of a marriage. It’s pretty obvious how it was. The first few years were great... he wasn’t anything like the man he is now but slowly... it all changed. The anger that grew in him because I wasn’t able to give him the child he wanted so bad and not being able to tell him the reason for the same reason that i didn’t tell Justin. Either one of them would go and finish the job, like you said you would have. i wasn’t protecting Daniel, I was protecting my husband and my Best friend from going to jail. After a few failed IVF’s and miscarriages he stopped talking to me all together... and then wouldn’t you know... one night with too much alcohol sure as shit I happen to get pregnant. of course what fueled the whole shelf incident.... he accused me of cheating on him again. yes... I did cheat on him. Once. and that is the only time I’ve ever cheated on anybody in my entire life. cold feet the night before my wedding and I almost didn’t do it because of it. he said he forgave me but when I look back on it... I know he didn’t. So his first reaction to learning that I was pregnant was that it was Justin’s since he hadn’t been successful. And I might, in my anger back at him told him that it was true.... the rest you know. there is no way that matty is Justin’s kid. I haven’t slept with him since that night.”
I took a another deep breath. I knew that he was probably going to start thinking that I had thoughts the same as i had that night before I had committed myself to Ryan but i wouldn't do that again...especially when i felt the kind of love that I felt right now. I was sure though, that our relationship was fractured pretty badly right now. Maybe if I had told him this stuff before his injury... before everything it might be different but now I just felt like I was digging my own grave deeper and deeper.
“The fear that I had these last few weeks made me stupid with worry. I don’t deal well with sickness or death and the thought that I might lose you before I even really got to start a life with you... I dunno, I think it just spiralled into what you're witnessing now... what happened yesterday even....doesn’t help with all these extra hormones either you know... not that I'm using the baby as an excuse for being an irrational head case.”
I tried to offer a weak smile, not knowing if it would do anything.
“I swear that’s all the dirty little secrets I have now. There isn’t anything else that I haven’t told you about. You know about my mother. You know that my father took off when I was barely giving my mom a positive pregnancy test. I’m very tired Aidan and all I want now is just lose myself in your arms and forget about everything.... and if anything try and earn back that trust I’ve lost from you. I promise that from now on, I’m not going to hide anything from you, as hard as it’s going to be to open up about when I’m not feeling myself... I can promise that I won’t hide behind bathroom doors, or even with an excuse of hunger.”
I looked down at the oil spills on the parking garage ground, not exactly sure where we were going to go from here.
“Although that stupid vending machine didn’t give me my damn chocolate bar....”