Post by Roxi Johnson on Nov 27, 2012 23:15:37 GMT -5
Well, here we are Brandon. Time is slowly drawing near to our match at Uncivil War. The time where you can stop talking and start doing. But all you've done until now is talk. Am I supposed to be scared of a guy who has been around 4 months and accomplished nothing? Well, I'm not. No amount of tough talk is going to sway my thinking that at Uncivil War, I'm going to beat you and retain this championship. So far, you've done next to nothing to help your own cause. You call me out, I accepted. I beat you in a tag match, you challenge me to a Hell in a Cell match. I accepted that too. The only thing you managed to do for yourself was beat Jake Cage, and attempt to cost me a victory over Tyler Rose. So if sneak attacks are your thing, is it's what you need to even gain a small measure of an advantage, It's going to be a long night for you.
So as it stands, in our little scuffle, you are a meager 1 for 4. 25% success, and that's being generous Brandon. You needed your buddies to beat Jake Cage, and you saved Tyler Rose from being pinned, but I still won the match. And now, you're still talking this big game about how you're the next TV champion. Really Brandon? Well that's cute that you think it's going to help you. But while you're busy engaging in hyperbole, I'll just see the facts of the situation.
The facts are, You gained a small measure of momentum last week, by winning your match and attacking me from behind. At Uncivil War, none of that of is going to matter. What is it, is a an all-too familiar stench in the air: Desperation. You know full well that no matter how tough you talk, how many fluke wins or small momentum changes you have, you beating me for this championship just isn't going to happen. And now, you're trying to convince everyone around here that you can do it. That you have what it takes. You're pumping yourself up for this match, I get that, but there comes a point where it's just delusional. Who are you really trying to convince you can win Brandon? Me?, MPW? or yourself?
I'm going to show you how champions rise to the occasion at Uncivil War and walk out of that cell, still the champion, and then you can try your luck with someone else. This isn't your day bud.
Brandon, I'm looking forward to Thursday when I can just get this match over with. When I can beat you, retain my championship and move on. And no matter what "animal" you think you're going to become, no matter how much it will "change" you, it's not going to make a difference. You know it as much as I do. I battle demons and monsters for crying out loud. Surely you've seen my battles, Hence, I have no fear of you. None.
Unless you turn into a giant cockroach or something. I hate roaches. So.. just... ewww.
Moving on, I will leave you with some very good news on an otherwise reality-based and fact supported bad news day for you. You spoke about making history. You spoke about being the first to do something. That's your goal right? Well, you are right about that. You will indeed make history at Uncivil War You should be really happy about that. Really. It's not every day you just make history. At Uncivil War, you will be one of the participants in the company's inaugural Hell in a Cell match. That's an accomplishment you can be proud of. No one will ever be able to take that away from you.
Now, that's not the only bit of good news out there for you come Thursday. No, not at all. Because not only are you going to make history at Uncivil War, you're going to do it twice. Being one of the first participants is good, but what about being the loser of the first ever Hell in a Cell match at Uncivil War? Eh? Sounds great right?
Okay, maybe not the greatest accomplishment ever, but still, it's totally one that you will have.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hankering for Popcorn Chicken. To KFC, Ho!
{We open at the local KFC. Roxi, our heroine, enters the store.}
Oh crap, there’s a line. I should go. Yeah, I should go to Wendy’s.
{ Roxi glares outside at the Wendy's across the street...}
No. Let’s gut this out. That hankering for popcorn chicken was the real deal. You can’t ignore your body when it sends signals like that.
{Roxi - folds her arms, and walks into the line. She observes the old man at the front of the line ordering}
Old man, please know what you want before you order. Holy hell. There is a menu the size of a couch right there. It has pictures of the food on it. This is a menu designed to be usable by gerbils. How the hell can you be standing in line for 10 minutes and not figure out what you want?
{A deep sigh escapes from Roxi as she continues to watch the old man }
How on Earth can you not know how combos work? That is not a new invention. It’s in the Bible. “Land flowing with milk, and honey for only a dollar more.” Remember that?
{An eye roll. A nudge forward goes Roxi as the line moves.}
Oh good. It’s the woman with three kids, and an order for 28 more. It would be easiest to just give her five garbage bags full of chicken, but no, let’s read through your two-page list of requests. Everyone will enjoy that.
Roxi - (softly) Kill me.
{One of the children heads toward the soda dispenser}
Please do not let your child use the soda machine. He is four-years-old. He cannot reach it. And now there’s soda everywhere. What a fascinating intersection of gravity, fluid dynamics and stupidity.
{A small chuckle, and then gasps of shock from Roxi }
Please yell at your child. Let them know they did something wrong! Would you like me to do it? Put me in, coach. I’m ready.
{More movement in the line}
Every single KFC I’ve been to is like this. I don’t get it. The process of frying the crap out of something and exchanging it for money is thousands of years old. There’s hieroglyphics of it. You’d think the process would be down. How is KFC so bad at this?
Roxi - (Softly) Unreal.
{The line grows behind Roxi as well.}
Why is there only one cashier? It’s six o’clock. Do they not know that’s when people want terrible chicken dishes? Do they not have some sort of chicken genius with a chicken spreadsheet running chicken regression analyses to map out peak staffing needs? Well how about dinner time? HOW ABOUT HAVING MORE STAFF AROUND AT DINNER TIME?
Roxi - (Softly) I should have gone to Wendy's
{ Roxi peers out at the Wendy's again, and then back to the line of people}
Seriously. They have three cash registers here. I have never seen those other two used. Are they fake? Part of some sort of elaborate tax dodge? Maybe KFC’s a front for something? A better restaurant?
{She ponders this for a moment, then she again peers into the Wendy's parking lot as the line moves again.}
Roxi - Halfway there. Gotta gut this out.
Old Chinese woman, I will beat you with a shovel if you do not hurry up and order. I am not kidding. I can get a shovel. You think I am kidding? I’m not, as previously discussed.
Let’s set this up.
{Roxi finally turns to the person behind her}
Roxi - Can you believe this?
Guy - What?
Roxi - This line.
Guy - It's always like this.
Roxi - Seriously?
Guy - Yup.
Roxi - Ugh.
Guy - Hey, aren't you that wrestler Roxi Johnson?
Roxi - No.
Guy - You look like her.
Roxi - She's my sister.
Guy - For real?
Roxi - No. For fake.
Guy - What?
Roxi - Nevermind.
{She turns around, back to the cashier}
Oh I get it now. She’s a trainee employee. OK, I feel a little bad for this girl. That right there is a terrible, terrible way to earn $7 an hour. Some people have crap jobs, but they work outside, or make tips or get to go home not smelling of chicken. Not her.
{A small smile creeps across her face. Roxi is only one person away from the front.}
Roxi - (softly) Come on, come on.
Holy crap, what would happen to Bruce Banner if he ever walked into a KFC? He wouldn’t last 20 seconds in this place. He would Hulk right the hell out the first time someone asked what their options were for sides. Pants all ripped, leaping on to the counter screaming “SIDES!? YOU DON’T SEE THE HUGE SIGN THAT SAYS ‘SIDES’? WITH THE LIST OF SIDES UNDERNEATH IT? HULK SEES IT. WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM? RAAAAAARRRRRGH!
{Roxi is finally at the front of the line.}
Finally! Finally made it to the front. What? Where are you going? WHERE ARE YOU GOING HALF-WIT KFC TRAINEE EMPLOYEE? DO NOT GO INTO THE BACK. DO NOT ATTEND TO OTHER CHICKEN RELATED TASKS. YOUR DUTY IS HERE, WITH ME. I WILL MURDER YOU WITH MY MIND IF YOU DO NOT BRING ME POPCORN CHICKEN. - Oh good, she's back [/COLOR]
Cashier - Can I take your order?
Roxi - I'll take...
{Without warning, two armed gunman run into the KFC and begin yelling }
Gunman #1 - EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!
{Of course, there's yelling and shrieking and everybody panics, except for Roxi, who look super annoyed. }
REALLY?!
{People are on the ground, hands in the air }
Gunman #1 - Everybody be cool, and nobody gets hurt. Hand over your wallets, your purses and jewels, and empty that register, and we'll be on our way.
{So, at this point, the robbery goes pretty smoothly, until .. }
Gunman #1 - Let's go hot stuff, hand over the purse.
Roxi - There's no money in it.
Gunman #1 - Oh yeah? Credit cards are though, hand 'em over.
Roxi - Okay, but I'm just going to cancel it as soon as you leave.
Gunman #1 - Shut up!
{ The gunman kicks Roxi over causing her to hit the floor. }
Roxi - Ow. Jerk.
Gunman #1 - I'm telling you -
{ The Gunman stops mid-sentence and stares at her. }
Roxi - What?
Gunman #1 - You're the wrestling whore aren't you?
Roxi - That seems a bit much.
Gunman #1 - Yeah, yeah you are. I knew I recognized you.
Well, it's nice to have fans at least.
Gunman #1 - Get up, you're coming with us.
{ The gunman yanks her up by the arm. }
Roxi - Alright, alright, take it easy.
Gunman #1 - Let's go. Nobody tries to play the hero, no one.
Roxi - Alright, I'm coming, just leave these people alone.
Gunman #1 - Let's go. C'mon.
{ The gunman force Roxi into their van, and make off with their haul. }
Well, getting kidnapped from a KFC. This is a little embarrassing.
So as it stands, in our little scuffle, you are a meager 1 for 4. 25% success, and that's being generous Brandon. You needed your buddies to beat Jake Cage, and you saved Tyler Rose from being pinned, but I still won the match. And now, you're still talking this big game about how you're the next TV champion. Really Brandon? Well that's cute that you think it's going to help you. But while you're busy engaging in hyperbole, I'll just see the facts of the situation.
The facts are, You gained a small measure of momentum last week, by winning your match and attacking me from behind. At Uncivil War, none of that of is going to matter. What is it, is a an all-too familiar stench in the air: Desperation. You know full well that no matter how tough you talk, how many fluke wins or small momentum changes you have, you beating me for this championship just isn't going to happen. And now, you're trying to convince everyone around here that you can do it. That you have what it takes. You're pumping yourself up for this match, I get that, but there comes a point where it's just delusional. Who are you really trying to convince you can win Brandon? Me?, MPW? or yourself?
I'm going to show you how champions rise to the occasion at Uncivil War and walk out of that cell, still the champion, and then you can try your luck with someone else. This isn't your day bud.
Brandon, I'm looking forward to Thursday when I can just get this match over with. When I can beat you, retain my championship and move on. And no matter what "animal" you think you're going to become, no matter how much it will "change" you, it's not going to make a difference. You know it as much as I do. I battle demons and monsters for crying out loud. Surely you've seen my battles, Hence, I have no fear of you. None.
Unless you turn into a giant cockroach or something. I hate roaches. So.. just... ewww.
Moving on, I will leave you with some very good news on an otherwise reality-based and fact supported bad news day for you. You spoke about making history. You spoke about being the first to do something. That's your goal right? Well, you are right about that. You will indeed make history at Uncivil War You should be really happy about that. Really. It's not every day you just make history. At Uncivil War, you will be one of the participants in the company's inaugural Hell in a Cell match. That's an accomplishment you can be proud of. No one will ever be able to take that away from you.
Now, that's not the only bit of good news out there for you come Thursday. No, not at all. Because not only are you going to make history at Uncivil War, you're going to do it twice. Being one of the first participants is good, but what about being the loser of the first ever Hell in a Cell match at Uncivil War? Eh? Sounds great right?
Okay, maybe not the greatest accomplishment ever, but still, it's totally one that you will have.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hankering for Popcorn Chicken. To KFC, Ho!
{We open at the local KFC. Roxi, our heroine, enters the store.}
Oh crap, there’s a line. I should go. Yeah, I should go to Wendy’s.
{ Roxi glares outside at the Wendy's across the street...}
No. Let’s gut this out. That hankering for popcorn chicken was the real deal. You can’t ignore your body when it sends signals like that.
{Roxi - folds her arms, and walks into the line. She observes the old man at the front of the line ordering}
Old man, please know what you want before you order. Holy hell. There is a menu the size of a couch right there. It has pictures of the food on it. This is a menu designed to be usable by gerbils. How the hell can you be standing in line for 10 minutes and not figure out what you want?
{A deep sigh escapes from Roxi as she continues to watch the old man }
How on Earth can you not know how combos work? That is not a new invention. It’s in the Bible. “Land flowing with milk, and honey for only a dollar more.” Remember that?
{An eye roll. A nudge forward goes Roxi as the line moves.}
Oh good. It’s the woman with three kids, and an order for 28 more. It would be easiest to just give her five garbage bags full of chicken, but no, let’s read through your two-page list of requests. Everyone will enjoy that.
Roxi - (softly) Kill me.
{One of the children heads toward the soda dispenser}
Please do not let your child use the soda machine. He is four-years-old. He cannot reach it. And now there’s soda everywhere. What a fascinating intersection of gravity, fluid dynamics and stupidity.
{A small chuckle, and then gasps of shock from Roxi }
Please yell at your child. Let them know they did something wrong! Would you like me to do it? Put me in, coach. I’m ready.
{More movement in the line}
Every single KFC I’ve been to is like this. I don’t get it. The process of frying the crap out of something and exchanging it for money is thousands of years old. There’s hieroglyphics of it. You’d think the process would be down. How is KFC so bad at this?
Roxi - (Softly) Unreal.
{The line grows behind Roxi as well.}
Why is there only one cashier? It’s six o’clock. Do they not know that’s when people want terrible chicken dishes? Do they not have some sort of chicken genius with a chicken spreadsheet running chicken regression analyses to map out peak staffing needs? Well how about dinner time? HOW ABOUT HAVING MORE STAFF AROUND AT DINNER TIME?
Roxi - (Softly) I should have gone to Wendy's
{ Roxi peers out at the Wendy's again, and then back to the line of people}
Seriously. They have three cash registers here. I have never seen those other two used. Are they fake? Part of some sort of elaborate tax dodge? Maybe KFC’s a front for something? A better restaurant?
{She ponders this for a moment, then she again peers into the Wendy's parking lot as the line moves again.}
Roxi - Halfway there. Gotta gut this out.
Old Chinese woman, I will beat you with a shovel if you do not hurry up and order. I am not kidding. I can get a shovel. You think I am kidding? I’m not, as previously discussed.
Let’s set this up.
{Roxi finally turns to the person behind her}
Roxi - Can you believe this?
Guy - What?
Roxi - This line.
Guy - It's always like this.
Roxi - Seriously?
Guy - Yup.
Roxi - Ugh.
Guy - Hey, aren't you that wrestler Roxi Johnson?
Roxi - No.
Guy - You look like her.
Roxi - She's my sister.
Guy - For real?
Roxi - No. For fake.
Guy - What?
Roxi - Nevermind.
{She turns around, back to the cashier}
Oh I get it now. She’s a trainee employee. OK, I feel a little bad for this girl. That right there is a terrible, terrible way to earn $7 an hour. Some people have crap jobs, but they work outside, or make tips or get to go home not smelling of chicken. Not her.
{A small smile creeps across her face. Roxi is only one person away from the front.}
Roxi - (softly) Come on, come on.
Holy crap, what would happen to Bruce Banner if he ever walked into a KFC? He wouldn’t last 20 seconds in this place. He would Hulk right the hell out the first time someone asked what their options were for sides. Pants all ripped, leaping on to the counter screaming “SIDES!? YOU DON’T SEE THE HUGE SIGN THAT SAYS ‘SIDES’? WITH THE LIST OF SIDES UNDERNEATH IT? HULK SEES IT. WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM? RAAAAAARRRRRGH!
{Roxi is finally at the front of the line.}
Finally! Finally made it to the front. What? Where are you going? WHERE ARE YOU GOING HALF-WIT KFC TRAINEE EMPLOYEE? DO NOT GO INTO THE BACK. DO NOT ATTEND TO OTHER CHICKEN RELATED TASKS. YOUR DUTY IS HERE, WITH ME. I WILL MURDER YOU WITH MY MIND IF YOU DO NOT BRING ME POPCORN CHICKEN. - Oh good, she's back [/COLOR]
Cashier - Can I take your order?
Roxi - I'll take...
{Without warning, two armed gunman run into the KFC and begin yelling }
Gunman #1 - EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!
{Of course, there's yelling and shrieking and everybody panics, except for Roxi, who look super annoyed. }
REALLY?!
{People are on the ground, hands in the air }
Gunman #1 - Everybody be cool, and nobody gets hurt. Hand over your wallets, your purses and jewels, and empty that register, and we'll be on our way.
{So, at this point, the robbery goes pretty smoothly, until .. }
Gunman #1 - Let's go hot stuff, hand over the purse.
Roxi - There's no money in it.
Gunman #1 - Oh yeah? Credit cards are though, hand 'em over.
Roxi - Okay, but I'm just going to cancel it as soon as you leave.
Gunman #1 - Shut up!
{ The gunman kicks Roxi over causing her to hit the floor. }
Roxi - Ow. Jerk.
Gunman #1 - I'm telling you -
{ The Gunman stops mid-sentence and stares at her. }
Roxi - What?
Gunman #1 - You're the wrestling whore aren't you?
Roxi - That seems a bit much.
Gunman #1 - Yeah, yeah you are. I knew I recognized you.
Well, it's nice to have fans at least.
Gunman #1 - Get up, you're coming with us.
{ The gunman yanks her up by the arm. }
Roxi - Alright, alright, take it easy.
Gunman #1 - Let's go. Nobody tries to play the hero, no one.
Roxi - Alright, I'm coming, just leave these people alone.
Gunman #1 - Let's go. C'mon.
{ The gunman force Roxi into their van, and make off with their haul. }
Well, getting kidnapped from a KFC. This is a little embarrassing.
