Post by Kurt Newman on Dec 1, 2012 18:34:34 GMT -5
~The scene begins as I, Kurt “Mother Fucking” Newman sits on a leather chair, reading Greg Gutfelds new book, “The Joy Of Hate.” On book shelf’s now! Buy it! Buy it now or I swear you’ll be off my Christmas card list this year!.......anyways……..a fire roars behind me in a fire place as the walls are covered with bookshelves, covered with books (mostly picture or pop up books) and heads of animals (stuff teddy bear animals that I stole from my sister).
~I show off my million dollar smile as I notice the camera across the room.
Kurt Newman: “Oh, hello there. Didn’t notice you there.”
~I take a book mark, mark my place in the book, and close the book as I pay attention to the camera.
Kurt Newman: “I know I haven’t been around for a while. It’s not my fault though, my stupid handler’s been too busy with “college”…..aka video games, masturbating to disgusting German porn, and being a lazy son of a bitch eating Cheetos all day.”
Christopher Cummins (Off Screen): “Total lies! Take it back or you’ll be getting a tramp stamp of a butterfly.”
Kurt Newman: “………..ok so I might have over exaggerated with the video games and the Cheetos and being a fat piece of shit.”
Christopher Cummins (Off Screen): “And……..what about the German porn.”
Kurt Newman: “I’m so not taking that back bro. You seriously need some help with that fetish. You’re starting to scare me a little bit. Next step in your disgusting fantasies is taking a belt and tying it around your neck to cut off the lack of oxygen while you’re rubbing out…………..”
Christopher Cummins (Off Screen): “Ok, ok that’s enough. No one needs to read any of that.”
Kurt Newman: “Just worried about you bro, that’s all………anyways, where was I? Oh yeah! I haven’t been around and a lot has been going on. I don’t know really though, been on a four months bender in Singapore where pretty much half of the activities I was a part of are illegal in 50 other countries. I’ll be back soon enough though to kick some poor chumpasaurus ass and take some girl back to my place where we’ll be bumping uglies until we’re too exhausted to even get up. Until then, this is Kurt Newman, the guy that’s watching you through a web camera every time that you shower, signing off.”
~I’m about to get back to my book when I pause as I forgot to say something.
Kurt Newman: “Oh, by the way. If Bliss was Jury Duty, myself and 11 other strangers would enter her……..that is all.”
~I throw up a peace sign before going back to my book as the scene ends.
~I show off my million dollar smile as I notice the camera across the room.
Kurt Newman: “Oh, hello there. Didn’t notice you there.”
~I take a book mark, mark my place in the book, and close the book as I pay attention to the camera.
Kurt Newman: “I know I haven’t been around for a while. It’s not my fault though, my stupid handler’s been too busy with “college”…..aka video games, masturbating to disgusting German porn, and being a lazy son of a bitch eating Cheetos all day.”
Christopher Cummins (Off Screen): “Total lies! Take it back or you’ll be getting a tramp stamp of a butterfly.”
Kurt Newman: “………..ok so I might have over exaggerated with the video games and the Cheetos and being a fat piece of shit.”
Christopher Cummins (Off Screen): “And……..what about the German porn.”
Kurt Newman: “I’m so not taking that back bro. You seriously need some help with that fetish. You’re starting to scare me a little bit. Next step in your disgusting fantasies is taking a belt and tying it around your neck to cut off the lack of oxygen while you’re rubbing out…………..”
Christopher Cummins (Off Screen): “Ok, ok that’s enough. No one needs to read any of that.”
Kurt Newman: “Just worried about you bro, that’s all………anyways, where was I? Oh yeah! I haven’t been around and a lot has been going on. I don’t know really though, been on a four months bender in Singapore where pretty much half of the activities I was a part of are illegal in 50 other countries. I’ll be back soon enough though to kick some poor chumpasaurus ass and take some girl back to my place where we’ll be bumping uglies until we’re too exhausted to even get up. Until then, this is Kurt Newman, the guy that’s watching you through a web camera every time that you shower, signing off.”
~I’m about to get back to my book when I pause as I forgot to say something.
Kurt Newman: “Oh, by the way. If Bliss was Jury Duty, myself and 11 other strangers would enter her……..that is all.”
~I throw up a peace sign before going back to my book as the scene ends.
