Post by Kurt Newman on Jul 11, 2012 23:27:03 GMT -5
INTRO
Warning. Kurt Newman promo’s may lead you sick to your stomach, bust out laughing where milk comes out of your nose, even though you hadn’t had milk in the past week, and wondering what the hell is going on. There will be fart jokes, Canadian bashing, sexual innuendoes, midget wrestling, unicorn riding, kitten porn watching, and an awesomeness that some people will just not be able to handle. Readers discretion is advised.
~The scene begins……hey, where’s Kurt at? Hey Chris! Where’s Kurt at?
Creator of Kurt Newman: Chris Cummins: “ What the hell? Kurt! Kurt, wake up! We got a role play to do.”
Kurt Newman: “(Sounds of just waking up from a nape) Wha, didn’t we just do one already?”
Chris Cummins: “Yeah, that was for the other fed that we’re in. We’re in a new one.”
Kurt Newman: “Ah come on, we’re already doing a whole lot in the other fed where I’m already holding a title. Why would I want to come to another fed and start all over?”
Chris Cummins: “Well because Josh and Mandy Godwin are starting up a new fed and their in dire need of talent. I mean I looked around their roster and it’s nothing but Canadians, so their already sucking.”
Kurt Newman: “Dude, I really don’t care. Why would I want to wrestle against a bunch of maple syrup smelling wrestlers anyways? All they talk about is Hockey, which is like soccer but on ice if you think about it. Maybe that’s why Americans don’t watch Hockey, because it’s just like soccer.”
Chris Cummins: “Bliss will be there.”
Kurt Newman: “Bliss……..ok you got my attention. Is that big goof of a brother there with her or not?”
Chris Cummins: “I haven’t seen him around. I already talked to Mandy about a story line already where Bliss hit you over the head back in the ICW days and you lost your memory. But you remember it now though so it’s all good. She moved on and found herself another sugar daddy though so I don’t know how it’s going to play out.”
Kurt Newman: “……..sounds like an episode from a crappy soap opera. Just like a Canadian to think up a god awful story line.”
Chris Cummins: “Eh, it could have been worse. You two might of turn out to be long lost siblings, separated at birth from a tornado.”
Kurt Newman: “………yeah but then we could have had an awesome Joe Dirt moment there. It would have gotten an ass load of laughs……. You’re my sister! You’re my sister! You’re my sister!”
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDKX1-_vQYw
Kurt Newman: “You think putting that youtube video is going to disqualify us?”
Chris Cummins: “No idea……who cares. It’s funny.”
Kurt Newman: “All right. Well I’m guessing I got a match this week then?”
Chris Cummins: “Yeah, triple threat match. John Fisherman and Freddie Styles.”
Kurt Newman: “Never heard of them......(Big Sigh)……..Well, let’s make some magic happen then.”
Chris Cummins: “Alright Mr. ~ sign, let’s get this thing going then.
~Oh, we’re ready? About time. Was getting tired of * singing Afromans, Because I Got High.
*I was going to write an role play, but then I got high….mmmmm, I was going to write a ten page rp, then I got high…..la, la, la……now all I got was what you’re reading, and I know why? Yeah heh, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. La, la, la, la, la, la.
~Ok, enough out of you. BTW people, we’re totally not high. We’re high off life………
*And angel dust!
~Shut up.
-------------------------------Two Weeks Ago----------------------------------------
The scene begins as I watch the city of Chicago through my window. I sit back in my chair, in my office, in the Newman Tower. Dressed up in a sleek, grey, business suit, I take a sip of my scotch and watch the city below.
*Dude, it’s 10 in the morning. Why you drinking now?
~It’s five o’clock somewhere.
Kurt Newman: “It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to think straightly since Bliss hit me over the head. That hit to the head was so hard that it caused me to lose my memory for a couple of months. How did I regained my memory? No shit, I farted to hard that my memory came back. True story.
~I’ve taken it easy with the whole wrestling world since my injury. Didn’t want to rush back into the ring and get myself hurt again or make it worse. So I went back to work…..which is boring as hell. Gives me a paycheck though.
~I Twirl around in my chair and face towards the desk. I open up one of the drawers and pull out a picture of Bliss that I took while we were dating.
*Aaahh, that’s cute.
~I give a slight smile as I remember that night from the photograph. We were wasted as hell from a night of drinking and we did a bunch of stupid things that night. We did a lot of stupid things, but those were awesome times. I missed her. I missed her a lot. I’ve had sex with a lot of women in my day, and I do mean a lot. I’m talking about having sex with a women in almost every country around the world. I’ve had sex with girls left and right. Trampy and innocent. 18 to ‘Damn she’s old’. No woman has ever been able to keep my attention though because no woman has ever made me feel in love.
*Dude, that’s deep……and gay.
~ Bliss though, Bliss was special to me for some reason. She made me want to stick around with her. To listen to every word that she had to say and I just get lost in her eyes and read her lips. Those lips drove me crazy every time she…..
*Hey man, keep it PG. We don’t know how many kids are actually rping here.
~What? I was going to say chariot. I liked her putting a chariot from my vegetable garden in her mouth. Those big, huge, long, and satisfying chariots that women love and come back time and time again for.
*Nice sexual innuendo there.
~I quickly put the photo away back into the drawer and act like I’m working as the door to my office begins to open. I notice it’s my personal assistant Ashley Blowjob.
*Yeah, that’s her real last name people. Thought I would do a little James Bond deal with her name.
~Ashley gives me that look of ‘I got some bad news for you’ as she makes her way into the office. If Ashley was a bowling ally, I’d rub my balls up and down her all night. She’s the one person that I’ve never had sex with though. It’s not like I would never bump uglies with her. I’d love to. The thing though is that if I did, then I would never be able to work with her again because it would just be weird after that. So I’ve kept it professional……..well boarder line really. Thank God she knows who I really am, because I would had gotten sued about a thousand times for sexual harassment for some of the shit that I’ve said to her. Good thing I pay her well.
Ashley: “Well I just got done talking to the lawyers and we’ll have to cut some of the staff here to pay for the upcoming healthcare bill. That or we’ll have to drop everyone from our healthcare plans and let them pay for their own. So what do you want to do Mr. Newman?”
~I take a deep breath as I lean back in my chair and look up at the ceiling. What to do. What to do. What to do……..fuck it. Let’s make some history.
Kurt Newman: “We’ll do nothing. We’re not going to fire anyone and everyone is going to keep their healthcare plans with us. Take whatever you need out of my paycheck if we don’t have the money to keep them on our plan. Hopefully Obamacare will be struck down and we won’t have to worry. If it doesn’t though, I won’t be ticked off if I take a pay cut.”
*Kurt Newman for President 20016?
~Ashley raises an eyebrow and looks shocked as she stares at me.
Ashley: “You sure about that?”
~I look back at Ashley with a slight smile on my face and raise my shoulders.
Kurt Newman: “Why not make some history with this. Might give us some good press by doing so. Show that all of us rich guys aren’t a bunch of pigs.”
~Ashley sighs as she looks down at her clipboard, writes something down, and is about to make her way out of the door. I stop her though as address her from across the room.
Kurt Newman: “Hey Ashley, contact a wrestling federation by the name of MPW for me. Tell them that I’m back in wrestling and looking for a fed to call home.”
~Ashley turns back around and looks at me strangely.
Ashley: “You sure about that Mr. Newman?”
Kurt Newman: “I’ve been cleared to wrestle again and I got that itch to come back.”
~A pause fills the room as Ashley goes back to her clipboard and writes something down. She pauses though as she slowly looks back at me with a ‘I got a question for you’ face that I was hoping that she wouldn’t give me.
Ashley: “May I ask why MPW?”
*Damn. She’s got you man. She’s got you in a corner and she’s going to go in for the kill if she finds out that’s where Bliss is.
~Got to play this cool. If she knew that I wanted to see Bliss again, she’s rip my head off with those strong hands of her. She broke a cinderblock with her pinky finger before, true story. I go back to looking like I’m busy on the computer, trying not to make eye contact with her as I try to figure out a response to her question.
Kurt Newman: “It’s a new fed and I heard there was decent wrestlers there……that’s all.”
*You’re fucked.
~I lift my head over the monitor for just a second, and for that second, I knew I was done for when she gave me that look of ‘Oh no you didn’t.’
*You’re really fucked now. Tell me when it’s over.
Ashley: “Bliss is wrestling there isn’t she? Damn it Kurt she’s the one that knocked your memory to high hell. Why would you want to go back to her? You hired me to look over you and to protect you from making stupid decisions. Well Mr. Newman, she’s nothing more than trouble. So I’m pleading with you Mr. Newman……if you want to wrestle again, then that’s fine with me. Put your body on the line and get yourself hurt again. But if you’re going to MPW to hook up with Bliss again, then I would say to move on and find another fed.”
~Silence fills the room again as Ashley stares a whole right through my head as I sit in my chair and ponder why I would want to see Bliss again. I slowly stand up from my seat and walk towards the window and look at the city of Chicago below me. I do this mostly not to look at Ashley and her angry eyes. With my back to Ashley, I address her.
Kurt Newman: “I got some personal business to deal with Bliss. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do if I see her again. Half of me really just wants to pick her up and kiss her. The other half of me wants to punch the living hell out of her. I haven’t really decided yet. I don’t want to be stuck here and dwell about her like I have been now for the past couple of months. I want to see her again. When I do, I’ll figure it out then. Until then though, if you could contact MPW for me…..that would be awesome.”
~The room is quite for a while until Ashley addresses me.
Ashley: “I’ll get right on that then.”
~With that, she opens the door and leaves the room. I slowly turn around and see that she’s actually gone. A slight smile comes to my face as I do a little fist pump. She bought it. I really just want to see Bliss again and do nasty things to her like we did back in the old days.
*We’re going to get some booty! We’re going to get some booty! We’re going to get some booty!
~The scene fades as I sit back in my chair and twirl around in the seat.
--------------------------------------------------Present Day--------------------------------------------------
~I feel like a damn fat woman is sitting on me while eating a whole cake and sipping a diet coke just so she wouldn’t feel like a Fatty, McFat, Fat, Fat, Fat, FATTY!
*Hey come on, fat people need loving to you know……they have to pay for it though.
~I’ve been lying on my back now for the past hour and I haven’t been able to muster up the strength to get up. Damn weights…..knew I was going overboard. But noooooooo, just had to push it didn’t you Newman. Stupid idiot and your stupid ideas…….. oh great! I got to pee now! DAMNIT!
*Don’t think about water falls or anything, it just makes it worse.
~A noise catches my attention near my head. Opening up my eyes, I see a video camera stuck right in front of my face. Damn, that video shoot was today wasn’t it? Someone must be laughing their ass off right now up in heaven. Play it cool champ. A smile comes across my face as I look at the camera crew that’s surrounding me.
Kurt Newman: “Don’t worry guys, I got this……you may be asking what I got on. Well its weights. The vest and the bags around my wrist and ankles, combine for about 400lbs. Well I like to work out with weights; it helps me with my conditioning and muscle strength. You wear this shit and do a normal work out….well you’ll be feeling it later. Well I had just got done running 5 miles outside, came back into this gym and was going to do some pushups. Went through about twenty until my body said that was enough and quit out on me. I guess 8 hours of wearing this thing is enough wouldn’t you say? Well the only strength I’ve been able to pull off is to get myself on my back.”
~I try to move my right arm to try to take the weights off but can’t. A smile and a chuckle comes across my face again as I look over at the camera crew.
Kurt Newman: “Just resting guys, that’s all. Well let’s just start this promo then. How do I look?......you know what I’ll be fine. “
~I try to move my right arm again but still nothing……..damn it! I muster up a smile as I look into the camera and do my first promo in 5 years.
Kurt Newman: “Hello everyone in the MPW universe. Now you may be wondering who the hell I am and why I’m just lying around on the ground. Well the name is easier to explain so I’ll give you some inside on just who the hell I am. For those who don’t remember me, my name is Kurt Newman and I’m going to be the next big thing in MPW. I got the looks, I got the skills and I got the talent to make this company huge! Now I know there are people in MPW that probably look just like me, act just like me, and dress like me, but the difference between them and me is that I’m just that awesome. I mean just look at me.”
~I try to move my hands to show off my body……. but still no movement. I turn away from the camera and look at the weights on my hands and then back at the camera.
Kurt Newman: “Still sexy as hell right? Now you may be asking yourself? What the hell do you have on your body Kurt? Well it’s simple. I’ve been out of the wrestling for a few months now and I need to get back into shape. So I’ve been hard at work getting my body back to peak and physical shape. I know I looked awesome in my modeling shoots in the magazines and everything but I wanted to push myself. So what I have on is weights to help bring me to that next level of hunkieness. It is a word people. Look it up and you’ll see my face right next to it.”
*And Chuck Norris.
Kurt Newman: “I’m just taking a quick break before calling it a day. See this is a…..uhhh…… this is a stretch! Yeah a stretch, that’s what it is. All you have to do is lie on the ground like so, bring your arms out like this and just lay here for about a minute. It stretches out the….umm…..arms and biceps……yeah that’s it….but I’m done here so I’m going to take these weights off and show you the product of all my hard work.”
~I chuckle a little as I try again to move my arm. I put everything I have to move my arm…... I can’t help but think I’m the chick from Kill Bill as she’s in the car and telling herself to wiggle her big toe. So I try and try and try and hope……. at last as I raise it an inch……… before dropping to the ground again. A smile comes across my face again as I look back at the camera.
Kurt Newman: “Heavy son of bitch I’ll tell you what. That’s about 75 pounds right there kids on my arm with that bag alone. Only fooling around that time though…..this time for sure!
~Looking back at my arm I give it everything I have….cussing and staring a hole right through my arm…. until I lift it up and sling it over to my left arm. I look up at the ceiling and give a huge smile as I begin to breathe in deeply.
Kurt Newman: “(Saying to self) Thank God.”
~A sigh of relief comes across my face as I begin to untie the weight off both my hands. My arms feel light as feathers now as I begin to take the rest of the weights off my body.
Kurt Newman: “Oh my God you don’t know how this feels right now. It’s almost like sex.”
~Jumping up to my feet now with all the weights off, I feel like a hundred bucks. I wipe the sweat off my face and take my Chicago Bears t-shirt off to show off my killer body. I mean seriously. You could shred cheese with this abs. I like to think millions of woman are screaming right now as I grab a water bottle next to my feet and begin to drink it before I begin to speak again.
Kurt Newman: “It’s been a long day and I’m tired as hell. It’s worth it though ain’t it? I mean look at this six pack! You could use this instead of a washboard to wash you’re cloths with. They’re so sharp that you could use these abs to cut products like carrots and potatoes and celery……mmmmm could make a mean soup just from these abs.”
“It’s like I always say, women want me and men want to be me. I’m rich, good looking, confident, and just fun to be around……..soooooo who am I facing again? Any of you guys know who I’m facing against?
~I look at the camera crew who just look at me stupidly.
Kurt Newman: “Come on guys I’ve been laying here for the past hour, haven’t been able to see who I’m facing against yet!”
~The guy behind the camera finally speaks.
Camera Guy: “You’re in a three way with Freddy Styles and John Fisherman.”
Kurt Newman: “Oh yeah, forgot their names. Thought it was funny with Johns name. I mean it’s like the Primus song. I was hoping his manager’s name was Mud, but I don’t mind looking at Tits McGee. I mean have you looked at those knockers? I could do so many things with those fun bags. All I really want to do is put my face in between them and motor boat the living hell out of them. If Ms. Biguns was a mailbox, I’d stick my package in her……..you guys are going to edit that part out are you?”
~The camera crew give me that stupid look again as I take a shot of water.
Camera Man: “This is live Mr. Newman.”
~I’m shocked and surprised as I spit the water out of my mouth and onto the camera man.
Kurt Newman: “Damn it……you guys are not helping my cause………well anyways to Ms. Biguns, why hang out with a loser like Fishermen when you got a real ‘man’s man’ right here and not some kid with a rat at the end of his chin. Seriously there Johnny Boy, that pubic hair at the end of your chin hasn’t been cool to have since the 90’s. I’m glad that you’re ready for a fight though. I’ve been itching for one for months now and I truly hope that you can back up what you’re saying because if you’re not, then you’ll be a champ alright. A champion of cleaning the toilets at a Taco Bell near you, and that’s one job you do not want to have. I mean think about it. Usually after I get done with one of their burritos, the bathroom is one of the first places I go to. I tell you what, that Taco Bell food taste so good going down, but it hurts so much getting out……..anyways John Boy (Did a Little House on the Prairie there, not sure if any of you would catch that so thought I would put this note here. My mom watches the show all the time, only reason why I know it), you’ll be facing off against one of the best wrestlers there is today. I’ve wrestled across the world, homing in on my skills and proving that I am the best in the ring week in and week out. You and everyone else in the back wants to be the face of MPW. I don’t blame you or anyone else to wanting to be it. But!.....while all of you have been fighting to get that the title of being the face of MPW, I took it once I signed the dotted line to my contract. So boys and girls, try to get that title away from me because you’ll fail from the weight of my awesomeness.”
Editor’s Note: Yeah, I saw Fisherman put an rp out where he wanted the other guys to come out, but I’ll reply later mostly because its more for the night of the show and I don’t want to Quintin Tarantino my rps. So I’ll probably do a reply for John on my last rp. So just a heads up.)
Kurt Newman: “As for you Mr. Styles……I saw your lips moving through your promo, but all I heard was straight up nothing. I mean come on; you’re talking just like everyone else. Yeah, I bet you’re good in the ring and could do some damage to other wrestlers. So what. Do you even know who you’re facing up against? You’re facing Kurt Newman! The Humanoid Typhoon, The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and the Favorite Son of Chicago……the man to beat here in MPW. You can talk about doing moon saults all day till your face is blue, I really don’t care because I’m going to burst through that match, show why I’m the best and have my hand raised as the crowd cheers as you and Johnny Apple Seed lay on the grown, knocked out, and wondering what the hell just happen.”
~I pause as I finish the water and toss the empty bottle off screen before addressing the camera again.
Kurt Newman: “Guys, this match is going to be an awesome match. I hope it is and I want it to be one because everyone is going to be watching that match. People in the arena are going to watching. People at home are going to be watching. People in the back are going to be watching and management is going to be watching. They’re going to be watching if we got it or not. They’re going to be watching to see if we can be the face of MPW. They’re going to be watching to see if we deserve title shots. This aint my first rodeo guys and it won’t be my last. I know this match is important. This is why I’m busting my ass and doing such a long promo. To show the masses that I am that awesome. Try as you will to step in my way, but you’re going to be run over, thanks to Kurt Newman. Guys, you’re fifteen minutes of fame are up.”
~I throw up a peace sign and walk away as the scene turns to black.
Warning. Kurt Newman promo’s may lead you sick to your stomach, bust out laughing where milk comes out of your nose, even though you hadn’t had milk in the past week, and wondering what the hell is going on. There will be fart jokes, Canadian bashing, sexual innuendoes, midget wrestling, unicorn riding, kitten porn watching, and an awesomeness that some people will just not be able to handle. Readers discretion is advised.
~The scene begins……hey, where’s Kurt at? Hey Chris! Where’s Kurt at?
Creator of Kurt Newman: Chris Cummins: “ What the hell? Kurt! Kurt, wake up! We got a role play to do.”
Kurt Newman: “(Sounds of just waking up from a nape) Wha, didn’t we just do one already?”
Chris Cummins: “Yeah, that was for the other fed that we’re in. We’re in a new one.”
Kurt Newman: “Ah come on, we’re already doing a whole lot in the other fed where I’m already holding a title. Why would I want to come to another fed and start all over?”
Chris Cummins: “Well because Josh and Mandy Godwin are starting up a new fed and their in dire need of talent. I mean I looked around their roster and it’s nothing but Canadians, so their already sucking.”
Kurt Newman: “Dude, I really don’t care. Why would I want to wrestle against a bunch of maple syrup smelling wrestlers anyways? All they talk about is Hockey, which is like soccer but on ice if you think about it. Maybe that’s why Americans don’t watch Hockey, because it’s just like soccer.”
Chris Cummins: “Bliss will be there.”
Kurt Newman: “Bliss……..ok you got my attention. Is that big goof of a brother there with her or not?”
Chris Cummins: “I haven’t seen him around. I already talked to Mandy about a story line already where Bliss hit you over the head back in the ICW days and you lost your memory. But you remember it now though so it’s all good. She moved on and found herself another sugar daddy though so I don’t know how it’s going to play out.”
Kurt Newman: “……..sounds like an episode from a crappy soap opera. Just like a Canadian to think up a god awful story line.”
Chris Cummins: “Eh, it could have been worse. You two might of turn out to be long lost siblings, separated at birth from a tornado.”
Kurt Newman: “………yeah but then we could have had an awesome Joe Dirt moment there. It would have gotten an ass load of laughs……. You’re my sister! You’re my sister! You’re my sister!”
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDKX1-_vQYw
Kurt Newman: “You think putting that youtube video is going to disqualify us?”
Chris Cummins: “No idea……who cares. It’s funny.”
Kurt Newman: “All right. Well I’m guessing I got a match this week then?”
Chris Cummins: “Yeah, triple threat match. John Fisherman and Freddie Styles.”
Kurt Newman: “Never heard of them......(Big Sigh)……..Well, let’s make some magic happen then.”
Chris Cummins: “Alright Mr. ~ sign, let’s get this thing going then.
~Oh, we’re ready? About time. Was getting tired of * singing Afromans, Because I Got High.
*I was going to write an role play, but then I got high….mmmmm, I was going to write a ten page rp, then I got high…..la, la, la……now all I got was what you’re reading, and I know why? Yeah heh, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. La, la, la, la, la, la.
~Ok, enough out of you. BTW people, we’re totally not high. We’re high off life………
*And angel dust!
~Shut up.
-------------------------------Two Weeks Ago----------------------------------------
The scene begins as I watch the city of Chicago through my window. I sit back in my chair, in my office, in the Newman Tower. Dressed up in a sleek, grey, business suit, I take a sip of my scotch and watch the city below.
*Dude, it’s 10 in the morning. Why you drinking now?
~It’s five o’clock somewhere.
Kurt Newman: “It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to think straightly since Bliss hit me over the head. That hit to the head was so hard that it caused me to lose my memory for a couple of months. How did I regained my memory? No shit, I farted to hard that my memory came back. True story.
~I’ve taken it easy with the whole wrestling world since my injury. Didn’t want to rush back into the ring and get myself hurt again or make it worse. So I went back to work…..which is boring as hell. Gives me a paycheck though.
~I Twirl around in my chair and face towards the desk. I open up one of the drawers and pull out a picture of Bliss that I took while we were dating.
*Aaahh, that’s cute.
~I give a slight smile as I remember that night from the photograph. We were wasted as hell from a night of drinking and we did a bunch of stupid things that night. We did a lot of stupid things, but those were awesome times. I missed her. I missed her a lot. I’ve had sex with a lot of women in my day, and I do mean a lot. I’m talking about having sex with a women in almost every country around the world. I’ve had sex with girls left and right. Trampy and innocent. 18 to ‘Damn she’s old’. No woman has ever been able to keep my attention though because no woman has ever made me feel in love.
*Dude, that’s deep……and gay.
~ Bliss though, Bliss was special to me for some reason. She made me want to stick around with her. To listen to every word that she had to say and I just get lost in her eyes and read her lips. Those lips drove me crazy every time she…..
*Hey man, keep it PG. We don’t know how many kids are actually rping here.
~What? I was going to say chariot. I liked her putting a chariot from my vegetable garden in her mouth. Those big, huge, long, and satisfying chariots that women love and come back time and time again for.
*Nice sexual innuendo there.
~I quickly put the photo away back into the drawer and act like I’m working as the door to my office begins to open. I notice it’s my personal assistant Ashley Blowjob.
*Yeah, that’s her real last name people. Thought I would do a little James Bond deal with her name.
~Ashley gives me that look of ‘I got some bad news for you’ as she makes her way into the office. If Ashley was a bowling ally, I’d rub my balls up and down her all night. She’s the one person that I’ve never had sex with though. It’s not like I would never bump uglies with her. I’d love to. The thing though is that if I did, then I would never be able to work with her again because it would just be weird after that. So I’ve kept it professional……..well boarder line really. Thank God she knows who I really am, because I would had gotten sued about a thousand times for sexual harassment for some of the shit that I’ve said to her. Good thing I pay her well.
Ashley: “Well I just got done talking to the lawyers and we’ll have to cut some of the staff here to pay for the upcoming healthcare bill. That or we’ll have to drop everyone from our healthcare plans and let them pay for their own. So what do you want to do Mr. Newman?”
~I take a deep breath as I lean back in my chair and look up at the ceiling. What to do. What to do. What to do……..fuck it. Let’s make some history.
Kurt Newman: “We’ll do nothing. We’re not going to fire anyone and everyone is going to keep their healthcare plans with us. Take whatever you need out of my paycheck if we don’t have the money to keep them on our plan. Hopefully Obamacare will be struck down and we won’t have to worry. If it doesn’t though, I won’t be ticked off if I take a pay cut.”
*Kurt Newman for President 20016?
~Ashley raises an eyebrow and looks shocked as she stares at me.
Ashley: “You sure about that?”
~I look back at Ashley with a slight smile on my face and raise my shoulders.
Kurt Newman: “Why not make some history with this. Might give us some good press by doing so. Show that all of us rich guys aren’t a bunch of pigs.”
~Ashley sighs as she looks down at her clipboard, writes something down, and is about to make her way out of the door. I stop her though as address her from across the room.
Kurt Newman: “Hey Ashley, contact a wrestling federation by the name of MPW for me. Tell them that I’m back in wrestling and looking for a fed to call home.”
~Ashley turns back around and looks at me strangely.
Ashley: “You sure about that Mr. Newman?”
Kurt Newman: “I’ve been cleared to wrestle again and I got that itch to come back.”
~A pause fills the room as Ashley goes back to her clipboard and writes something down. She pauses though as she slowly looks back at me with a ‘I got a question for you’ face that I was hoping that she wouldn’t give me.
Ashley: “May I ask why MPW?”
*Damn. She’s got you man. She’s got you in a corner and she’s going to go in for the kill if she finds out that’s where Bliss is.
~Got to play this cool. If she knew that I wanted to see Bliss again, she’s rip my head off with those strong hands of her. She broke a cinderblock with her pinky finger before, true story. I go back to looking like I’m busy on the computer, trying not to make eye contact with her as I try to figure out a response to her question.
Kurt Newman: “It’s a new fed and I heard there was decent wrestlers there……that’s all.”
*You’re fucked.
~I lift my head over the monitor for just a second, and for that second, I knew I was done for when she gave me that look of ‘Oh no you didn’t.’
*You’re really fucked now. Tell me when it’s over.
Ashley: “Bliss is wrestling there isn’t she? Damn it Kurt she’s the one that knocked your memory to high hell. Why would you want to go back to her? You hired me to look over you and to protect you from making stupid decisions. Well Mr. Newman, she’s nothing more than trouble. So I’m pleading with you Mr. Newman……if you want to wrestle again, then that’s fine with me. Put your body on the line and get yourself hurt again. But if you’re going to MPW to hook up with Bliss again, then I would say to move on and find another fed.”
~Silence fills the room again as Ashley stares a whole right through my head as I sit in my chair and ponder why I would want to see Bliss again. I slowly stand up from my seat and walk towards the window and look at the city of Chicago below me. I do this mostly not to look at Ashley and her angry eyes. With my back to Ashley, I address her.
Kurt Newman: “I got some personal business to deal with Bliss. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do if I see her again. Half of me really just wants to pick her up and kiss her. The other half of me wants to punch the living hell out of her. I haven’t really decided yet. I don’t want to be stuck here and dwell about her like I have been now for the past couple of months. I want to see her again. When I do, I’ll figure it out then. Until then though, if you could contact MPW for me…..that would be awesome.”
~The room is quite for a while until Ashley addresses me.
Ashley: “I’ll get right on that then.”
~With that, she opens the door and leaves the room. I slowly turn around and see that she’s actually gone. A slight smile comes to my face as I do a little fist pump. She bought it. I really just want to see Bliss again and do nasty things to her like we did back in the old days.
*We’re going to get some booty! We’re going to get some booty! We’re going to get some booty!
~The scene fades as I sit back in my chair and twirl around in the seat.
--------------------------------------------------Present Day--------------------------------------------------
~I feel like a damn fat woman is sitting on me while eating a whole cake and sipping a diet coke just so she wouldn’t feel like a Fatty, McFat, Fat, Fat, Fat, FATTY!
*Hey come on, fat people need loving to you know……they have to pay for it though.
~I’ve been lying on my back now for the past hour and I haven’t been able to muster up the strength to get up. Damn weights…..knew I was going overboard. But noooooooo, just had to push it didn’t you Newman. Stupid idiot and your stupid ideas…….. oh great! I got to pee now! DAMNIT!
*Don’t think about water falls or anything, it just makes it worse.
~A noise catches my attention near my head. Opening up my eyes, I see a video camera stuck right in front of my face. Damn, that video shoot was today wasn’t it? Someone must be laughing their ass off right now up in heaven. Play it cool champ. A smile comes across my face as I look at the camera crew that’s surrounding me.
Kurt Newman: “Don’t worry guys, I got this……you may be asking what I got on. Well its weights. The vest and the bags around my wrist and ankles, combine for about 400lbs. Well I like to work out with weights; it helps me with my conditioning and muscle strength. You wear this shit and do a normal work out….well you’ll be feeling it later. Well I had just got done running 5 miles outside, came back into this gym and was going to do some pushups. Went through about twenty until my body said that was enough and quit out on me. I guess 8 hours of wearing this thing is enough wouldn’t you say? Well the only strength I’ve been able to pull off is to get myself on my back.”
~I try to move my right arm to try to take the weights off but can’t. A smile and a chuckle comes across my face again as I look over at the camera crew.
Kurt Newman: “Just resting guys, that’s all. Well let’s just start this promo then. How do I look?......you know what I’ll be fine. “
~I try to move my right arm again but still nothing……..damn it! I muster up a smile as I look into the camera and do my first promo in 5 years.
Kurt Newman: “Hello everyone in the MPW universe. Now you may be wondering who the hell I am and why I’m just lying around on the ground. Well the name is easier to explain so I’ll give you some inside on just who the hell I am. For those who don’t remember me, my name is Kurt Newman and I’m going to be the next big thing in MPW. I got the looks, I got the skills and I got the talent to make this company huge! Now I know there are people in MPW that probably look just like me, act just like me, and dress like me, but the difference between them and me is that I’m just that awesome. I mean just look at me.”
~I try to move my hands to show off my body……. but still no movement. I turn away from the camera and look at the weights on my hands and then back at the camera.
Kurt Newman: “Still sexy as hell right? Now you may be asking yourself? What the hell do you have on your body Kurt? Well it’s simple. I’ve been out of the wrestling for a few months now and I need to get back into shape. So I’ve been hard at work getting my body back to peak and physical shape. I know I looked awesome in my modeling shoots in the magazines and everything but I wanted to push myself. So what I have on is weights to help bring me to that next level of hunkieness. It is a word people. Look it up and you’ll see my face right next to it.”
*And Chuck Norris.
Kurt Newman: “I’m just taking a quick break before calling it a day. See this is a…..uhhh…… this is a stretch! Yeah a stretch, that’s what it is. All you have to do is lie on the ground like so, bring your arms out like this and just lay here for about a minute. It stretches out the….umm…..arms and biceps……yeah that’s it….but I’m done here so I’m going to take these weights off and show you the product of all my hard work.”
~I chuckle a little as I try again to move my arm. I put everything I have to move my arm…... I can’t help but think I’m the chick from Kill Bill as she’s in the car and telling herself to wiggle her big toe. So I try and try and try and hope……. at last as I raise it an inch……… before dropping to the ground again. A smile comes across my face again as I look back at the camera.
Kurt Newman: “Heavy son of bitch I’ll tell you what. That’s about 75 pounds right there kids on my arm with that bag alone. Only fooling around that time though…..this time for sure!
~Looking back at my arm I give it everything I have….cussing and staring a hole right through my arm…. until I lift it up and sling it over to my left arm. I look up at the ceiling and give a huge smile as I begin to breathe in deeply.
Kurt Newman: “(Saying to self) Thank God.”
~A sigh of relief comes across my face as I begin to untie the weight off both my hands. My arms feel light as feathers now as I begin to take the rest of the weights off my body.
Kurt Newman: “Oh my God you don’t know how this feels right now. It’s almost like sex.”
~Jumping up to my feet now with all the weights off, I feel like a hundred bucks. I wipe the sweat off my face and take my Chicago Bears t-shirt off to show off my killer body. I mean seriously. You could shred cheese with this abs. I like to think millions of woman are screaming right now as I grab a water bottle next to my feet and begin to drink it before I begin to speak again.
Kurt Newman: “It’s been a long day and I’m tired as hell. It’s worth it though ain’t it? I mean look at this six pack! You could use this instead of a washboard to wash you’re cloths with. They’re so sharp that you could use these abs to cut products like carrots and potatoes and celery……mmmmm could make a mean soup just from these abs.”
“It’s like I always say, women want me and men want to be me. I’m rich, good looking, confident, and just fun to be around……..soooooo who am I facing again? Any of you guys know who I’m facing against?
~I look at the camera crew who just look at me stupidly.
Kurt Newman: “Come on guys I’ve been laying here for the past hour, haven’t been able to see who I’m facing against yet!”
~The guy behind the camera finally speaks.
Camera Guy: “You’re in a three way with Freddy Styles and John Fisherman.”
Kurt Newman: “Oh yeah, forgot their names. Thought it was funny with Johns name. I mean it’s like the Primus song. I was hoping his manager’s name was Mud, but I don’t mind looking at Tits McGee. I mean have you looked at those knockers? I could do so many things with those fun bags. All I really want to do is put my face in between them and motor boat the living hell out of them. If Ms. Biguns was a mailbox, I’d stick my package in her……..you guys are going to edit that part out are you?”
~The camera crew give me that stupid look again as I take a shot of water.
Camera Man: “This is live Mr. Newman.”
~I’m shocked and surprised as I spit the water out of my mouth and onto the camera man.
Kurt Newman: “Damn it……you guys are not helping my cause………well anyways to Ms. Biguns, why hang out with a loser like Fishermen when you got a real ‘man’s man’ right here and not some kid with a rat at the end of his chin. Seriously there Johnny Boy, that pubic hair at the end of your chin hasn’t been cool to have since the 90’s. I’m glad that you’re ready for a fight though. I’ve been itching for one for months now and I truly hope that you can back up what you’re saying because if you’re not, then you’ll be a champ alright. A champion of cleaning the toilets at a Taco Bell near you, and that’s one job you do not want to have. I mean think about it. Usually after I get done with one of their burritos, the bathroom is one of the first places I go to. I tell you what, that Taco Bell food taste so good going down, but it hurts so much getting out……..anyways John Boy (Did a Little House on the Prairie there, not sure if any of you would catch that so thought I would put this note here. My mom watches the show all the time, only reason why I know it), you’ll be facing off against one of the best wrestlers there is today. I’ve wrestled across the world, homing in on my skills and proving that I am the best in the ring week in and week out. You and everyone else in the back wants to be the face of MPW. I don’t blame you or anyone else to wanting to be it. But!.....while all of you have been fighting to get that the title of being the face of MPW, I took it once I signed the dotted line to my contract. So boys and girls, try to get that title away from me because you’ll fail from the weight of my awesomeness.”
Editor’s Note: Yeah, I saw Fisherman put an rp out where he wanted the other guys to come out, but I’ll reply later mostly because its more for the night of the show and I don’t want to Quintin Tarantino my rps. So I’ll probably do a reply for John on my last rp. So just a heads up.)
Kurt Newman: “As for you Mr. Styles……I saw your lips moving through your promo, but all I heard was straight up nothing. I mean come on; you’re talking just like everyone else. Yeah, I bet you’re good in the ring and could do some damage to other wrestlers. So what. Do you even know who you’re facing up against? You’re facing Kurt Newman! The Humanoid Typhoon, The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and the Favorite Son of Chicago……the man to beat here in MPW. You can talk about doing moon saults all day till your face is blue, I really don’t care because I’m going to burst through that match, show why I’m the best and have my hand raised as the crowd cheers as you and Johnny Apple Seed lay on the grown, knocked out, and wondering what the hell just happen.”
~I pause as I finish the water and toss the empty bottle off screen before addressing the camera again.
Kurt Newman: “Guys, this match is going to be an awesome match. I hope it is and I want it to be one because everyone is going to be watching that match. People in the arena are going to watching. People at home are going to be watching. People in the back are going to be watching and management is going to be watching. They’re going to be watching if we got it or not. They’re going to be watching to see if we can be the face of MPW. They’re going to be watching to see if we deserve title shots. This aint my first rodeo guys and it won’t be my last. I know this match is important. This is why I’m busting my ass and doing such a long promo. To show the masses that I am that awesome. Try as you will to step in my way, but you’re going to be run over, thanks to Kurt Newman. Guys, you’re fifteen minutes of fame are up.”
~I throw up a peace sign and walk away as the scene turns to black.
