Post by Kurt Newman on Jan 6, 2014 18:06:07 GMT -5
~The scene begins in a bathroom stall in the MPW arena. The camera is outside of the stall and is pointed at one stall where a set of feet can be seen with a pair of wrestling shorts wrapped around the ankles. A large fart can be heard, and it’s probably best that you can’t smell it. Who could be this man doing a promo in the bathroom?........who do really think?
*Ummmmmm Taufik?
~Nope.
*You sure? Sounds like something Taufik would do.
~Not even close.
*Then I have no idea if it ain’t Taufik.
~It’s Kurt Newman man.
*………..I’d still say Taufik.
Kurt Newman: “Damn you Hawk! Don’t know how you snuck those laxatives into me…..but it’s soooooo not cool. I guess it’s payback for that tranny I hooked you up with a few months ago. I should have known something was up when you gave me scotch and Taco Bell out of the blue, my two great weaknesses………well the only two things that aren’t chicks, boobs, and vaginas.”
~Kurt lifts his leg a little as another fart comes out.
Kurt Newman: “Damn that hurts. How much laxatives did you put in Hawk!?! My stomach is being torn apart and I swear my asshole is bleeding. It feels like I’ve been sitting on this toilet for about an hour or so. Can’t really tell how long I’ve been in here though since I don’t have a watch on me. I know I’ve been here for a while since my legs are numb, and that usually happens when I’ve been on the crapper for a while……..that or when I’m in the middle of sex and I’m doing the Mississippi mud slide for too long with a lady.”
~Kurt lifts both legs up as a large fart comes out from the stall.
Kurt Newman: “I’m going to smell like shit for the rest of the day if I’m in here any longer. I don’t even think Old Spice could cover up this smell. Anyways, it’s not a coincidence that I’m doing a promo in the bathroom. Was at a party in D.C. and Stefan and myself were talking to a group of people…..we somehow started to talk about the worst place to do a promo at. We started to name places and he brought up a bathroom for some reason. I could name 20 different places that would be worse locations, but the people that were with us agreed with Stefan. While I was defending the classic bathroom promos, Stefan dared me to do a promo in a bathroom. That son bitch no ballsed me!”
~Is there such a thing as a classic bathroom promo?
*Sure. Andy “The Bathroom Dumper” Steadman did all of his promo’s in the bathroom. He had some pretty good stuff back in the 80’s.
~That guy still wrestling?
*Nah, I think he’s a Senator for New York or something like that.
~Kurt scoffs as a little fart comes out.
Kurt Newman: “The nerve of the son of a bitch. Well you don’t No Balls Kurt Newman because I got the biggest balls of them all! So here I am! Taking a dump for the entire world to see…….either minutes away from my match with Chris Cable or hours away. Like I said, I really can’t tell. You lose track of time when you’re in a shitter…….it feels like the walls are closing in on you at times…….really wish I brought something to read or something to do in here. Just so bored of just sitting in here and looking at my huge dick and the writings that people carved into the walls. Wish I had a phone with me. There’s a number in here and right below it, it reads ‘Want a good time? Call me.’ The problem with numbers in a bathroom stall is that it’s either a dude or it’s an ugly hooker. You get a transvestite every once in a while which is always a mind fuck. I always have hopes that’ll it’ll be the girl of my dreams every time that I call a number in a bathroom stall though. Getting a chubby just thinking about it.
Anyways! Chris Cable! Last week we had a once in a life time chance to knock down the Resistance once and for all……but since you couldn’t follow the simplest of orders, you and that waste of space Jason X lost us the match. So thanks a lot for that you simple minded little turd. It sure as hell also didn’t help that you barely showed up to the match. You just stood there and held up a sign next to your face that read ‘Hit Me’. Why I even agreed to team with you guys is beyond me. I must have been drunk when I said I’d team with you two losers because I would have never agreed to such a thing in my life. Myself and Carter, we’ve been kicking the Resistance ass for weeks now…..and since you two kids joined in the conversation, we’ve lost all of our ground and all of our credibility against the Resistance. So thanks for that.
All you had to do was listen to myself and Carter, but nah…..you were too good to do such a thing because you put ego over getting the job done. Since I’ve came back to MPW, I’ve made more of a splash on this company than anyone else and that includes you Cable. I had beaten each and every one of those chumps in singles competition weeks before…….I know how to beat them Cable and I have been running circles around them, so you’d think you’d listen to me because I have some smarts on how to beat them. But you didn’t Cable! You thought you were better than me and thought you could win that match all by yourself.
The thing about you Chris is that you aren’t a top contender around here like you think you are. You’re just another wrestler with nothing going for him. You don’t separate yourself from the rest of the pack like I do. There is nothing special about you Chris. You don’t have the skills to be in the top, you don’t have the look to carry this company on your shoulders, and you just don’t have that ‘It’ factor like I do and you never will. I mean what have you truly done around here Chris? Huh? We’ve both started in MPW about the same time and you sure as hell have been here longer than I have since I had to pause my wrestling career because of medical reasons……and yet if you compare our two careers here…..I have accomplished more than you ever did. Why? Because you’re Chris Cable. You’re Australian and you hit people hard with your elbow and that’s the only thing people think about when your name is brought up in a conversation. Myself? When people think of Kurt Newman, they think of greatness. They think of entertainment in and out of that ring and that I am the best wrestler in this company today because I have proven it over, and over, and over again when I beat the best this company throws at me. I’ve beaten the so called ‘Top Talent’ here in MPW in less than two months. I should be facing Roxi for the World Title because I pinned her about a month ago. I should have a Sin City Title match right now because I beat Clash not too long ago. I should have a Tag Team Title match because I beat Soul Shadow. But! Here I am, facing off against the mid carder Chris Cable.”
~Suddenly, the door slams open and you see Kurt sitting on the toilet with a big black outline of his dick (Aka Kurt Jr.) Kurt looks at the camera with a serious look in his eyes as he goes back to talking.
Kurt Newman: “Tonight Chris…….I’m going to show you personally that I am the better wrestler than you are and I will show you why you should had listen to me at the Pay Per View and why it was, in fact, your fault why we lost. I’m going to smack you around that ring like you’ve never been smacked around before in your life. I’m going to smack you harder than Australian men smack their women. I’m going to treat you with less respect than how Australian men treat their women and the Aborigines. I’m going to beat you down like the dog that you are Cable and hopefully at the end of the day, you’ll see just how much of a piece of shit that you are. You knock people out cold with your elbow? I knock ladies out with my dick and I make chumpzillas like you singing the no pussy blues. I’d wish you luck Chris, but I’ve been fucking lady luck, and she’s been liking what she’s been getting lat……………….”
~Before Kurt can finish, a stage hand comes busting through the door. Out of reaction, Kurt slams the door to the stall.
Stage Hand: “Anyone seen Kurt? He’s on in 5 minutes!”
Kurt Newman: “Yeah, give me a second. Almost done here.”
~The stage hand leaves, leaving Kurt alone with the camera once again. The sound of Kurt trying to get some toilet paper can be heard, but it sounds like there’s no more toilet paper in the stall.
Kurt Newman: “What the!?! Hey! Hey buddy! I need some shit tickets! Anyone want to help me out here? I need some help!.......................crap”
~With that, the scene ends with Kurt’s legs underneath the stall.
*Ummmmmm Taufik?
~Nope.
*You sure? Sounds like something Taufik would do.
~Not even close.
*Then I have no idea if it ain’t Taufik.
~It’s Kurt Newman man.
*………..I’d still say Taufik.
Kurt Newman: “Damn you Hawk! Don’t know how you snuck those laxatives into me…..but it’s soooooo not cool. I guess it’s payback for that tranny I hooked you up with a few months ago. I should have known something was up when you gave me scotch and Taco Bell out of the blue, my two great weaknesses………well the only two things that aren’t chicks, boobs, and vaginas.”
~Kurt lifts his leg a little as another fart comes out.
Kurt Newman: “Damn that hurts. How much laxatives did you put in Hawk!?! My stomach is being torn apart and I swear my asshole is bleeding. It feels like I’ve been sitting on this toilet for about an hour or so. Can’t really tell how long I’ve been in here though since I don’t have a watch on me. I know I’ve been here for a while since my legs are numb, and that usually happens when I’ve been on the crapper for a while……..that or when I’m in the middle of sex and I’m doing the Mississippi mud slide for too long with a lady.”
~Kurt lifts both legs up as a large fart comes out from the stall.
Kurt Newman: “I’m going to smell like shit for the rest of the day if I’m in here any longer. I don’t even think Old Spice could cover up this smell. Anyways, it’s not a coincidence that I’m doing a promo in the bathroom. Was at a party in D.C. and Stefan and myself were talking to a group of people…..we somehow started to talk about the worst place to do a promo at. We started to name places and he brought up a bathroom for some reason. I could name 20 different places that would be worse locations, but the people that were with us agreed with Stefan. While I was defending the classic bathroom promos, Stefan dared me to do a promo in a bathroom. That son bitch no ballsed me!”
~Is there such a thing as a classic bathroom promo?
*Sure. Andy “The Bathroom Dumper” Steadman did all of his promo’s in the bathroom. He had some pretty good stuff back in the 80’s.
~That guy still wrestling?
*Nah, I think he’s a Senator for New York or something like that.
~Kurt scoffs as a little fart comes out.
Kurt Newman: “The nerve of the son of a bitch. Well you don’t No Balls Kurt Newman because I got the biggest balls of them all! So here I am! Taking a dump for the entire world to see…….either minutes away from my match with Chris Cable or hours away. Like I said, I really can’t tell. You lose track of time when you’re in a shitter…….it feels like the walls are closing in on you at times…….really wish I brought something to read or something to do in here. Just so bored of just sitting in here and looking at my huge dick and the writings that people carved into the walls. Wish I had a phone with me. There’s a number in here and right below it, it reads ‘Want a good time? Call me.’ The problem with numbers in a bathroom stall is that it’s either a dude or it’s an ugly hooker. You get a transvestite every once in a while which is always a mind fuck. I always have hopes that’ll it’ll be the girl of my dreams every time that I call a number in a bathroom stall though. Getting a chubby just thinking about it.
Anyways! Chris Cable! Last week we had a once in a life time chance to knock down the Resistance once and for all……but since you couldn’t follow the simplest of orders, you and that waste of space Jason X lost us the match. So thanks a lot for that you simple minded little turd. It sure as hell also didn’t help that you barely showed up to the match. You just stood there and held up a sign next to your face that read ‘Hit Me’. Why I even agreed to team with you guys is beyond me. I must have been drunk when I said I’d team with you two losers because I would have never agreed to such a thing in my life. Myself and Carter, we’ve been kicking the Resistance ass for weeks now…..and since you two kids joined in the conversation, we’ve lost all of our ground and all of our credibility against the Resistance. So thanks for that.
All you had to do was listen to myself and Carter, but nah…..you were too good to do such a thing because you put ego over getting the job done. Since I’ve came back to MPW, I’ve made more of a splash on this company than anyone else and that includes you Cable. I had beaten each and every one of those chumps in singles competition weeks before…….I know how to beat them Cable and I have been running circles around them, so you’d think you’d listen to me because I have some smarts on how to beat them. But you didn’t Cable! You thought you were better than me and thought you could win that match all by yourself.
The thing about you Chris is that you aren’t a top contender around here like you think you are. You’re just another wrestler with nothing going for him. You don’t separate yourself from the rest of the pack like I do. There is nothing special about you Chris. You don’t have the skills to be in the top, you don’t have the look to carry this company on your shoulders, and you just don’t have that ‘It’ factor like I do and you never will. I mean what have you truly done around here Chris? Huh? We’ve both started in MPW about the same time and you sure as hell have been here longer than I have since I had to pause my wrestling career because of medical reasons……and yet if you compare our two careers here…..I have accomplished more than you ever did. Why? Because you’re Chris Cable. You’re Australian and you hit people hard with your elbow and that’s the only thing people think about when your name is brought up in a conversation. Myself? When people think of Kurt Newman, they think of greatness. They think of entertainment in and out of that ring and that I am the best wrestler in this company today because I have proven it over, and over, and over again when I beat the best this company throws at me. I’ve beaten the so called ‘Top Talent’ here in MPW in less than two months. I should be facing Roxi for the World Title because I pinned her about a month ago. I should have a Sin City Title match right now because I beat Clash not too long ago. I should have a Tag Team Title match because I beat Soul Shadow. But! Here I am, facing off against the mid carder Chris Cable.”
~Suddenly, the door slams open and you see Kurt sitting on the toilet with a big black outline of his dick (Aka Kurt Jr.) Kurt looks at the camera with a serious look in his eyes as he goes back to talking.
Kurt Newman: “Tonight Chris…….I’m going to show you personally that I am the better wrestler than you are and I will show you why you should had listen to me at the Pay Per View and why it was, in fact, your fault why we lost. I’m going to smack you around that ring like you’ve never been smacked around before in your life. I’m going to smack you harder than Australian men smack their women. I’m going to treat you with less respect than how Australian men treat their women and the Aborigines. I’m going to beat you down like the dog that you are Cable and hopefully at the end of the day, you’ll see just how much of a piece of shit that you are. You knock people out cold with your elbow? I knock ladies out with my dick and I make chumpzillas like you singing the no pussy blues. I’d wish you luck Chris, but I’ve been fucking lady luck, and she’s been liking what she’s been getting lat……………….”
~Before Kurt can finish, a stage hand comes busting through the door. Out of reaction, Kurt slams the door to the stall.
Stage Hand: “Anyone seen Kurt? He’s on in 5 minutes!”
Kurt Newman: “Yeah, give me a second. Almost done here.”
~The stage hand leaves, leaving Kurt alone with the camera once again. The sound of Kurt trying to get some toilet paper can be heard, but it sounds like there’s no more toilet paper in the stall.
Kurt Newman: “What the!?! Hey! Hey buddy! I need some shit tickets! Anyone want to help me out here? I need some help!.......................crap”
~With that, the scene ends with Kurt’s legs underneath the stall.
