Post by Kurt Newman on Aug 11, 2012 20:45:31 GMT -5
The scene begins as I’m flying back from London England to the United States. I was recently there representing MPW for the Summer Olympics and doing some reporting.
~Yeah, we mostly drank and had lots and lots of sex. We actually started a game. Have sex with every nation that was there.
*We almost had it; damn Iran was so hard to get to. Kept pushing us away. Something about her religion or something.
~Yeah, our Iranian is not really up to date either.
*We tried, only new one sentence though. Didn’t know what it meant though.
~I think we said ‘I like goats’
*Maybe that’s why she looked at us funny.
The scene starts as Ashley, my personal assistant, comes walking in my personal quarters of the jet with her face looking down at some papers in her hands.
Ashley: “Just looked at the promo Ms. Biguns and Fisherman put up. You might act like a kid, but anyone that knows you knows that you can act professional like any other human bein…………”
Ashley looks up from the paper work and is surprised to see a pillow fort that’s on the side of the room.
Ashley: “Maybe their right?”
I poke my head out of a window of the fort with a huge smile on my face as I look over at Ashley.
Kurt Newman: “I got bored. It’s a long ass flight from London to Vegas. So I thought I’d past the time. How you like it though? No one would be able to break in here. Plus, I got some used up toilet paper rolls, taped them together, and made them into cannons. I’m going to be putting them into openings I made in the walls. Then, I’m going to be shooting away Indians as they try to attack me and kill me and take away my loot. You want to help?”
Ashley looks at me in a ‘Why the hell did I ever take this job’ face as she stares at me.
~She hates it.
*Maybe she’ll want to play?
~She would look sexy in an Indian outfit. You think we got one of those in the closet.
*I doubt it.
Ashley: “Kurt…….have you at least looked at who you’re facing this week?”
Kurt Newman: “Yeah, Fisherman and some dude named Enigma.”
Ashley: “What about the PPV?”
Kurt Newman: “Pay Per View card is up? Haven’t seen it yet.”
~Hope we face off against the female wrestlers in MPW in a bra and panties match.
*We look awesome in a g-string.
~Your welcome ladies for that mental view.
Ashley pulls the top paper from her pile of papers and slips it to me through the opening of my fort. I quickly look over it and see the matches on the card.
Kurt Newman: “Sucks, sucks, sucks, I’m in it so it’s going to be awesome, sucks and really sucks. First PPV in MPW history and this is all that they’re going to do……..well it could be worse.”
I look over the card some more and notice one of the matches that makes me raise an eyebrow.
Kurt Newman: “What’s with a NYCCW title on the line? I mean I thought this was MPW, not NYCCW. I don’t talk about the ECCWF. I don’t talk about the International Title that I’ve held since May in ECCWF. I don’t flash around the International Belt in front of the camera.”
~You’re doing it now though.
*Mostly to prove a point.
~Only point that ever needs to be made is that the Marine is the worst movie of all time.
Ashley: “I don’t know Kurt. You’d have to talk to management about it. You should really be more concern about your match with Fisherman and Enigma.”
Kurt Newman: “Come on, Fisherman doesn’t compare to me and Enigma……..well I don’t know too much about him.”
~You think he does magic tricks? Maybe he saws and splits a woman in half.
*We split women in half all the time. You hear me ~?
~Hellz yeah.
Kurt Newman: “Plus Blaze and Bloodhound is going to be around also. It’s going to be a major cluster fuck in that ring by the end of the night. I just have to make sure I keep my head on, be smart, and walk out in one piece. The pay per view match is more important than the show this week. If I get a win though, good for me. I get some confidence and a head full of steam for the Pay Per View.”
Ashley: “Have you seen Enigma before though?”
Kurt Newman: “He have a magical top hat that can pull out a rabbit? That would be awesome.”
Ashley looks at me again with that look on her face of ‘What?’ that I love to see so often.
Ashley: “No Kurt. You should take him a little bit more seriously.”
Ashley goes through her stack of papers and pulls out a sheet with Enigmas picture on it. She slides it into my fort and I look at the paper. In shock and surprise of what Enigma looks like, I stand up full right, breaking my fort and causing it to fall to the ground.
Kurt Newman: “Holly bejesus. Why is Roids McGee in MPW, and what’s with that mask that he wears?”
Ashley is more shocked at what I’m wearing as the ruble of the pillow fort stops.
Ashley: “Kurt, why is the only thing that you have on is the Awesome Title around your waste and the ECCWF International Title around your chest, covering your nipples?”
I look down and notice that she’s right.
~Forgot that we put this getup on.
*I was wondering why I was feeling a draft. We look awesome in this though.
Kurt Newman: “You like? I thought this might be an awesome swimsuit to wear down at the beach.”
Ashley shakes her head in embarrassment as she address me.
Ashley: “Whoever wins those titles from you will have to wash the living hell out of them.”
Kurt Newman: “Well there’ll always be a little bit of me on these titles.”
~We’ve pretty much done everything with these titles.
*Slept in them.
~Ate with them.
*Went in the bathroom with them.
~Had sex with them.
*Had sex with it.
~Yeah, that was a creepy night. So magical though.
I look back at the piece of paper with Enigma on it as I address Ashley.
Kurt Newman: “What do you think that mask is used for? Maybe it’s a new and fancy device to fix teeth up. A sort of bad ass looking set of braces. You wouldn’t make fun of a guy with braces if he had something like that on his face. Or maybe he’s got really bad breath. So it’s like a filter that shoots out Febreze. Or maybe it’s a speaker box. He has such a girly voice that when he talks into that device, he sounds badass like Dark Vader. Furthermore, how does he eat with that on?”
I take the piece of paper and crumble it up. I toss it behind me and exit the crumbled fort as I make my way to the mini bar.
Kurt Newman: “I really just want to touch it, is that so wrong to ask?”
Ashley: “I don’t know Kurt, he might break your finger if you try to touch it. Not sure what the mask is for though, I’ll do some research on it when we get back to the states. He did win a match against Roxi Johnson, Castiel, and Bliss just to give you a heads up of what he can do.”
I’m in the middle of pouring myself a Jack and Coke when Blisses name catches my attention.
~She’s old news man. Don’t even need to think about her.
*(Singing) You want to hold her, you want to kiss her, you want to fu………….
~Keep it PG *.
Kurt Newman: “Well if he beat four wrestlers in the ring, I should pay a little bit more attention to him. Fisherman I’m not too worried about. He’s way over his head in this match and he’s got to many things going on in his head. Like I said before though, this match is going to be one giant cluster fuck because you got most of the people in the Pay Per View match involved in this match minus Aidan Caine. It’s going to be interesting though.”
I take the glass of Jack and Coke and knock it back.
~Mmmmmmm, taste like candy.
*There should be a Jack and Coke Twizzler. Or even Gummy Bears. That sounds soooooo good right now.
Kurt Newman: “Alright, I’m going to get dressed. We’ll do a promo for the match, and then I’m going to rebuild my fort and fight off some alien mutants. Your more than welcome to play along.”
Ashley gives a fake smile as she turns around and makes her way to exit the room.
Ashley: “Yeah……about that. I got stuff to do. I’ll be waiting for you in the other room.
~With that, she leaves. Leaving me alone with my Title Belts and an empty glass.
~People so don’t get us.
*I think they do but I think their just embarrassed to be around us.
~Embarrassed? What’s embarrassing about us?
*Well we’re naked with the Awesome Title around our junk and the ECCWF International Title covering up our chest and we were in a pillow fort.
~Sounds like being awesome to me.
An Hour Later
The scene begins again on my private jet as we continue our flight back to Las Vegas. Ashley is on the other side of a hand held camera as I sit across from her, dressed to kill in a black business suit. I swirl a glass of Jack and Coke as I look outside the plane to try to tell where we’re at, but it’s too dark to tell if we’re above water or if we’re above land. I look over at the camera, with my million-dollar smile on my face as I begin my promo.
Kurt Newman: “Hello MPW universe. Kurt Newman here, making my way back to Las Vegas to bring the house down. As most of you saw from last week’s show, I was in London for the Summer Olympics and let me tell you, it was an awesome experience. I’m coming back though and I’m ready to get back into the squared ring. This week, I face off against John Fisherman and Enigma. Ah, but there’s a twist to this match because we got a special guest referee by the name of Rage and a special guest enforcer by the name of Bloodhound. I don’t mind a challenge though, it makes it more interesting because I know Fisherman isn’t going to be bringing anything for the match. Enigma on the other hand, not really sure about him, mostly because I wasn’t able to see his match last week. From what I’ve heard though, you’ll be putting up more of a challenge more than Fisherman will. If you don’t, well I’m pretty sure Rage and Bloodhound will want to make some noise since everyone knows that Kurt Newman is the man to beat in the Roll of the Dice Tournament. So if that means to take a cheap shot at yours truly, I’m pretty sure they will. I hope you keep it clean though boys and take notes because Kurt Newman is going to teach you some things when I’m wipe the floor with Fisherman and Enigma.”
I pause as I take a sip of my drink.
Kurt Newman: “Now Fisherman, I do remember you. How could I not forget about that chipmunk on that face of yours? Plus you also have your manager, Ms. Biguns, making you somewhat noticeable around MPW……well let’s say lovely curves. I mean, it’s those curves that keep me paying some type of attention to your promo’s John. To tell you the truth, I barely listened to yours or Ms. Biguns promo; I was staring at Ms. Biguns chest the whole time. I bet Ms. Biguns is a lovely individual, but how am I supposed to take her seriously? Don’t be wearing sexy outfits or sexy PJ’s that show off your knockers so well if you don’t want me to sound like a sexist pig. I mean I would seriously pay her a million bucks just to see her tits and ask if their real or not.”
Ashley: “(Off Screen)Wasn’t this the type of talk that scared her off last time from doing a promo against you?”
I raise an eyebrow as I think back to my match with John.
Kurt Newman: “It was wasn’t it? Maybe I should take her seriously and not act like such a sleaze bag………but it’s so hard not to. I mean what does a fatty do when they see a cheeseburger? They don’t walk past it. They eat it! A dog just doesn’t walk past a fire hydrant. No! They sniff that some bitch and piss all over it. When Kurt Newman sees a sexy lady, he doesn’t walk past them. No! He hits on them and puts on his charm until their overwhelmed by his sexiness and awesomeness that they can’t help but jump on his Kurt Jr.”
Ashley: “(Off Screen) She’s said that’s she’s not into you.”
Kurt Newman: “Her beautiful sexy lips say no, no, no. But her hypnotizing eyes say yes, yes, yes. Ms. Biguns, why you stick around with Johnny boy is beyond me. The guy hasn’t done anything for MPW and he never will because he doesn’t have what it takes to make it to the top. Pump him up full of encouragement though because he really, really, reeeeaaaallllllly needs it. Mostly because he’s a non-talented nobody. If you want to stick by your man though, that’s fine. Fall with Johnny Apple Seed and that squirrel on his chin and be forgotten about in MPW history.”
Ashley: “(Off screen) Why are you so interested in her Kurt?”
Kurt Newman: “Because she’s so cute. I mean she’s so cute, If Ms. Biguns was a van, myself and 5 Mexicans would enter her while we crossed the Mexican, American border. I digress though. John, the same fate will happen to you when I pin you for the one…..two…..three for a second time in a row this week. Believe it.”
~I pause again as I take another sip from the Jack and Coke.
Kurt Newman: “As for Enigma, I don’t know your story, don’t know your agenda, and I really, really, really, really, really, want to know what’s up with the mask on your face because it’s bugging the living hell out of me. Now I know I wasn’t around last week to see me because I was over in London, so you may or may not know who I am. I mean I’m pretty well known around the world to begin with. I’ve been in countless magazines showing off my pretty little face, I’m the CEO of Newman Industries, and I’ve wrestled all over the world. Some people though just don’t know who I am for some reason which boggles my mind. That’s fine though, some people don’t watch TV or look at magazines. TV and magazines make the brain all mooshy and stuff anyways…….though I can’t help watching episodes of Man Vs. Food and read such magazines as Playboy. Both just make me so happy at times. But if you don’t know who I am, you’re facing off against Kurt Newman. Aka The Humanoid Typhoon. AKA The Man That Puts Awe Into Awesome. Aka The Ladies Man. Aka The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. I’ve won multiple titles around the world, I’ve trained with the best, I’ve faced off against the best, and I’ve won against the best. You’re looking at the face of MPW and the man that will win the Roll Of The Dice Tournament. I may be a little bit cocky and I may act a little bit goofy, but I can back my comments up better than anyone because I’m that damn good.”
I pause for one last time as I finish my drink.
Kurt Newman: “John, Enigma, I wish you both luck. I hope you put everything that you have in this match, because I will. I want to impress everyone on a weekly basis. I want to impress management. I want to impress the wrestlers in the back. I want to impress everyone watching in the arena and at home. I want to steal the spotlight on a weekly basis. I want………..no. I need to be the best because I have that drive and determination to win that a very few individuals have. John, Enigma………try your best to stop me……..but your best just won’t be enough against Kurt Newman. I’ll see you this week boys. Bring you’re A game, because I will.”
I throw up a peace sign before standing up and walking away.
~End Scene………………………
Ashley: “WAAAAAIIIIIT!!!!!!!
The scene cuts back to me as I walk back into the scene with a curious look on my face.
Kurt Newman: “What’s up?”
Ashley: “Just got a video through my Gmail. Enigma just promoted.”
Kurt Newman: “Aaahhh, come on. I just finished the promo!”
Ashley: “You want to start over?”
Kurt Newman: “Nah. Just show me the video and we’ll keep this baby going.”
One Hour Later
The scene begins again as the video camera is focused on me with my million dollar smile still on my face.
Kurt Newman: “Oh yeah, I love Eva Mendes. She’s so hot, if she was a dragon, I’d split her in half with my sword………oh, we’re on?”
I slick my hair back with my hand before I restart my promo.
Kurt Newman: “Enigma. I thought you were going to be a cool cat. Someone who would share my views of things……but I guess that mask shows how unawesome of an individual that you are. Maybe it’s on to tight because I think it’s cutting off blood circulation from your brain. I don’t know what you’ve been through in your life, but I can tell you, I’ve been through my own personal hell and it never changed the individual that you see today. I had a father that walked out on me and my mother when I was three, yet you still see a smile on my face. My mother was a meth head who used my child support money on meth and cocaine, and not on clothing or food for me…….but you still see a smile on my face. I grew up dirt poor on the streets of Chicago……..but you still see a smile on my face. I started off from not having a cent to my name and worked my way up into a very successful individual that you see today. I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs, and I’m aware that this world isn’t a pretty place…..but I still have a smile on my face. See Enigma, life can be so much worse than what it is now. I could have cancer. I could have aids. I could have a hamster up my ass. I could be dirt poor again or both my legs could be cut off. My life is really good at the moment. I enjoy each day to the fullest because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. So I think positively. I try to make my day a better one than the last. And I try to put a smile on my face because I know life is good. So I try to bring my positivity and my humor to as many people as I can…..to people that’s life isn’t that great. I want them to forget how crappy the world is around them. I want the people of the United States to forget that the President is a loser who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing as he transforms America into something completely wrong and disgusting. I want people in Europe to forget, just for a few minutes, that Europe is slowly falling apart. I want to let Canadians forget that they live in Canada. I want people to enjoy life, even if it’s for a few minutes, when they see my face. Enigma, I may act like a goof ball, I may act like a clown, and I may even act like an idiot. But this idiot can out wrestle anyone in the ring and kick their ass if they don’t watch themselves. You can talk about my match with Blaze, which I’m pretty sure you didn’t watch because if you truly did watch it, Blaze had to cheat to beat me because he’s a ball less son bitch. But I’m going to tell you what I told Blaze when we fought. You want to be a big shot around here? You want to be the face of MPW? You want a shot at the MPW World Title? Then you beat me in the ring, because I will put you over the limit and I’ll push you to placees that you’ve never been before. So bring all your toughness to the ring, because I’ll slap you around like the little girl that you are and bring you back to reality. Good luck though Enigma……because you’re going to need it…….and same with John…..I guess.”
I throw up a peace sign before standing up and walking out of my seat.
End Scene
~Yeah, we mostly drank and had lots and lots of sex. We actually started a game. Have sex with every nation that was there.
*We almost had it; damn Iran was so hard to get to. Kept pushing us away. Something about her religion or something.
~Yeah, our Iranian is not really up to date either.
*We tried, only new one sentence though. Didn’t know what it meant though.
~I think we said ‘I like goats’
*Maybe that’s why she looked at us funny.
The scene starts as Ashley, my personal assistant, comes walking in my personal quarters of the jet with her face looking down at some papers in her hands.
Ashley: “Just looked at the promo Ms. Biguns and Fisherman put up. You might act like a kid, but anyone that knows you knows that you can act professional like any other human bein…………”
Ashley looks up from the paper work and is surprised to see a pillow fort that’s on the side of the room.
Ashley: “Maybe their right?”
I poke my head out of a window of the fort with a huge smile on my face as I look over at Ashley.
Kurt Newman: “I got bored. It’s a long ass flight from London to Vegas. So I thought I’d past the time. How you like it though? No one would be able to break in here. Plus, I got some used up toilet paper rolls, taped them together, and made them into cannons. I’m going to be putting them into openings I made in the walls. Then, I’m going to be shooting away Indians as they try to attack me and kill me and take away my loot. You want to help?”
Ashley looks at me in a ‘Why the hell did I ever take this job’ face as she stares at me.
~She hates it.
*Maybe she’ll want to play?
~She would look sexy in an Indian outfit. You think we got one of those in the closet.
*I doubt it.
Ashley: “Kurt…….have you at least looked at who you’re facing this week?”
Kurt Newman: “Yeah, Fisherman and some dude named Enigma.”
Ashley: “What about the PPV?”
Kurt Newman: “Pay Per View card is up? Haven’t seen it yet.”
~Hope we face off against the female wrestlers in MPW in a bra and panties match.
*We look awesome in a g-string.
~Your welcome ladies for that mental view.
Ashley pulls the top paper from her pile of papers and slips it to me through the opening of my fort. I quickly look over it and see the matches on the card.
Kurt Newman: “Sucks, sucks, sucks, I’m in it so it’s going to be awesome, sucks and really sucks. First PPV in MPW history and this is all that they’re going to do……..well it could be worse.”
I look over the card some more and notice one of the matches that makes me raise an eyebrow.
Kurt Newman: “What’s with a NYCCW title on the line? I mean I thought this was MPW, not NYCCW. I don’t talk about the ECCWF. I don’t talk about the International Title that I’ve held since May in ECCWF. I don’t flash around the International Belt in front of the camera.”
~You’re doing it now though.
*Mostly to prove a point.
~Only point that ever needs to be made is that the Marine is the worst movie of all time.
Ashley: “I don’t know Kurt. You’d have to talk to management about it. You should really be more concern about your match with Fisherman and Enigma.”
Kurt Newman: “Come on, Fisherman doesn’t compare to me and Enigma……..well I don’t know too much about him.”
~You think he does magic tricks? Maybe he saws and splits a woman in half.
*We split women in half all the time. You hear me ~?
~Hellz yeah.
Kurt Newman: “Plus Blaze and Bloodhound is going to be around also. It’s going to be a major cluster fuck in that ring by the end of the night. I just have to make sure I keep my head on, be smart, and walk out in one piece. The pay per view match is more important than the show this week. If I get a win though, good for me. I get some confidence and a head full of steam for the Pay Per View.”
Ashley: “Have you seen Enigma before though?”
Kurt Newman: “He have a magical top hat that can pull out a rabbit? That would be awesome.”
Ashley looks at me again with that look on her face of ‘What?’ that I love to see so often.
Ashley: “No Kurt. You should take him a little bit more seriously.”
Ashley goes through her stack of papers and pulls out a sheet with Enigmas picture on it. She slides it into my fort and I look at the paper. In shock and surprise of what Enigma looks like, I stand up full right, breaking my fort and causing it to fall to the ground.
Kurt Newman: “Holly bejesus. Why is Roids McGee in MPW, and what’s with that mask that he wears?”
Ashley is more shocked at what I’m wearing as the ruble of the pillow fort stops.
Ashley: “Kurt, why is the only thing that you have on is the Awesome Title around your waste and the ECCWF International Title around your chest, covering your nipples?”
I look down and notice that she’s right.
~Forgot that we put this getup on.
*I was wondering why I was feeling a draft. We look awesome in this though.
Kurt Newman: “You like? I thought this might be an awesome swimsuit to wear down at the beach.”
Ashley shakes her head in embarrassment as she address me.
Ashley: “Whoever wins those titles from you will have to wash the living hell out of them.”
Kurt Newman: “Well there’ll always be a little bit of me on these titles.”
~We’ve pretty much done everything with these titles.
*Slept in them.
~Ate with them.
*Went in the bathroom with them.
~Had sex with them.
*Had sex with it.
~Yeah, that was a creepy night. So magical though.
I look back at the piece of paper with Enigma on it as I address Ashley.
Kurt Newman: “What do you think that mask is used for? Maybe it’s a new and fancy device to fix teeth up. A sort of bad ass looking set of braces. You wouldn’t make fun of a guy with braces if he had something like that on his face. Or maybe he’s got really bad breath. So it’s like a filter that shoots out Febreze. Or maybe it’s a speaker box. He has such a girly voice that when he talks into that device, he sounds badass like Dark Vader. Furthermore, how does he eat with that on?”
I take the piece of paper and crumble it up. I toss it behind me and exit the crumbled fort as I make my way to the mini bar.
Kurt Newman: “I really just want to touch it, is that so wrong to ask?”
Ashley: “I don’t know Kurt, he might break your finger if you try to touch it. Not sure what the mask is for though, I’ll do some research on it when we get back to the states. He did win a match against Roxi Johnson, Castiel, and Bliss just to give you a heads up of what he can do.”
I’m in the middle of pouring myself a Jack and Coke when Blisses name catches my attention.
~She’s old news man. Don’t even need to think about her.
*(Singing) You want to hold her, you want to kiss her, you want to fu………….
~Keep it PG *.
Kurt Newman: “Well if he beat four wrestlers in the ring, I should pay a little bit more attention to him. Fisherman I’m not too worried about. He’s way over his head in this match and he’s got to many things going on in his head. Like I said before though, this match is going to be one giant cluster fuck because you got most of the people in the Pay Per View match involved in this match minus Aidan Caine. It’s going to be interesting though.”
I take the glass of Jack and Coke and knock it back.
~Mmmmmmm, taste like candy.
*There should be a Jack and Coke Twizzler. Or even Gummy Bears. That sounds soooooo good right now.
Kurt Newman: “Alright, I’m going to get dressed. We’ll do a promo for the match, and then I’m going to rebuild my fort and fight off some alien mutants. Your more than welcome to play along.”
Ashley gives a fake smile as she turns around and makes her way to exit the room.
Ashley: “Yeah……about that. I got stuff to do. I’ll be waiting for you in the other room.
~With that, she leaves. Leaving me alone with my Title Belts and an empty glass.
~People so don’t get us.
*I think they do but I think their just embarrassed to be around us.
~Embarrassed? What’s embarrassing about us?
*Well we’re naked with the Awesome Title around our junk and the ECCWF International Title covering up our chest and we were in a pillow fort.
~Sounds like being awesome to me.
An Hour Later
The scene begins again on my private jet as we continue our flight back to Las Vegas. Ashley is on the other side of a hand held camera as I sit across from her, dressed to kill in a black business suit. I swirl a glass of Jack and Coke as I look outside the plane to try to tell where we’re at, but it’s too dark to tell if we’re above water or if we’re above land. I look over at the camera, with my million-dollar smile on my face as I begin my promo.
Kurt Newman: “Hello MPW universe. Kurt Newman here, making my way back to Las Vegas to bring the house down. As most of you saw from last week’s show, I was in London for the Summer Olympics and let me tell you, it was an awesome experience. I’m coming back though and I’m ready to get back into the squared ring. This week, I face off against John Fisherman and Enigma. Ah, but there’s a twist to this match because we got a special guest referee by the name of Rage and a special guest enforcer by the name of Bloodhound. I don’t mind a challenge though, it makes it more interesting because I know Fisherman isn’t going to be bringing anything for the match. Enigma on the other hand, not really sure about him, mostly because I wasn’t able to see his match last week. From what I’ve heard though, you’ll be putting up more of a challenge more than Fisherman will. If you don’t, well I’m pretty sure Rage and Bloodhound will want to make some noise since everyone knows that Kurt Newman is the man to beat in the Roll of the Dice Tournament. So if that means to take a cheap shot at yours truly, I’m pretty sure they will. I hope you keep it clean though boys and take notes because Kurt Newman is going to teach you some things when I’m wipe the floor with Fisherman and Enigma.”
I pause as I take a sip of my drink.
Kurt Newman: “Now Fisherman, I do remember you. How could I not forget about that chipmunk on that face of yours? Plus you also have your manager, Ms. Biguns, making you somewhat noticeable around MPW……well let’s say lovely curves. I mean, it’s those curves that keep me paying some type of attention to your promo’s John. To tell you the truth, I barely listened to yours or Ms. Biguns promo; I was staring at Ms. Biguns chest the whole time. I bet Ms. Biguns is a lovely individual, but how am I supposed to take her seriously? Don’t be wearing sexy outfits or sexy PJ’s that show off your knockers so well if you don’t want me to sound like a sexist pig. I mean I would seriously pay her a million bucks just to see her tits and ask if their real or not.”
Ashley: “(Off Screen)Wasn’t this the type of talk that scared her off last time from doing a promo against you?”
I raise an eyebrow as I think back to my match with John.
Kurt Newman: “It was wasn’t it? Maybe I should take her seriously and not act like such a sleaze bag………but it’s so hard not to. I mean what does a fatty do when they see a cheeseburger? They don’t walk past it. They eat it! A dog just doesn’t walk past a fire hydrant. No! They sniff that some bitch and piss all over it. When Kurt Newman sees a sexy lady, he doesn’t walk past them. No! He hits on them and puts on his charm until their overwhelmed by his sexiness and awesomeness that they can’t help but jump on his Kurt Jr.”
Ashley: “(Off Screen) She’s said that’s she’s not into you.”
Kurt Newman: “Her beautiful sexy lips say no, no, no. But her hypnotizing eyes say yes, yes, yes. Ms. Biguns, why you stick around with Johnny boy is beyond me. The guy hasn’t done anything for MPW and he never will because he doesn’t have what it takes to make it to the top. Pump him up full of encouragement though because he really, really, reeeeaaaallllllly needs it. Mostly because he’s a non-talented nobody. If you want to stick by your man though, that’s fine. Fall with Johnny Apple Seed and that squirrel on his chin and be forgotten about in MPW history.”
Ashley: “(Off screen) Why are you so interested in her Kurt?”
Kurt Newman: “Because she’s so cute. I mean she’s so cute, If Ms. Biguns was a van, myself and 5 Mexicans would enter her while we crossed the Mexican, American border. I digress though. John, the same fate will happen to you when I pin you for the one…..two…..three for a second time in a row this week. Believe it.”
~I pause again as I take another sip from the Jack and Coke.
Kurt Newman: “As for Enigma, I don’t know your story, don’t know your agenda, and I really, really, really, really, really, want to know what’s up with the mask on your face because it’s bugging the living hell out of me. Now I know I wasn’t around last week to see me because I was over in London, so you may or may not know who I am. I mean I’m pretty well known around the world to begin with. I’ve been in countless magazines showing off my pretty little face, I’m the CEO of Newman Industries, and I’ve wrestled all over the world. Some people though just don’t know who I am for some reason which boggles my mind. That’s fine though, some people don’t watch TV or look at magazines. TV and magazines make the brain all mooshy and stuff anyways…….though I can’t help watching episodes of Man Vs. Food and read such magazines as Playboy. Both just make me so happy at times. But if you don’t know who I am, you’re facing off against Kurt Newman. Aka The Humanoid Typhoon. AKA The Man That Puts Awe Into Awesome. Aka The Ladies Man. Aka The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. I’ve won multiple titles around the world, I’ve trained with the best, I’ve faced off against the best, and I’ve won against the best. You’re looking at the face of MPW and the man that will win the Roll Of The Dice Tournament. I may be a little bit cocky and I may act a little bit goofy, but I can back my comments up better than anyone because I’m that damn good.”
I pause for one last time as I finish my drink.
Kurt Newman: “John, Enigma, I wish you both luck. I hope you put everything that you have in this match, because I will. I want to impress everyone on a weekly basis. I want to impress management. I want to impress the wrestlers in the back. I want to impress everyone watching in the arena and at home. I want to steal the spotlight on a weekly basis. I want………..no. I need to be the best because I have that drive and determination to win that a very few individuals have. John, Enigma………try your best to stop me……..but your best just won’t be enough against Kurt Newman. I’ll see you this week boys. Bring you’re A game, because I will.”
I throw up a peace sign before standing up and walking away.
~End Scene………………………
Ashley: “WAAAAAIIIIIT!!!!!!!
The scene cuts back to me as I walk back into the scene with a curious look on my face.
Kurt Newman: “What’s up?”
Ashley: “Just got a video through my Gmail. Enigma just promoted.”
Kurt Newman: “Aaahhh, come on. I just finished the promo!”
Ashley: “You want to start over?”
Kurt Newman: “Nah. Just show me the video and we’ll keep this baby going.”
One Hour Later
The scene begins again as the video camera is focused on me with my million dollar smile still on my face.
Kurt Newman: “Oh yeah, I love Eva Mendes. She’s so hot, if she was a dragon, I’d split her in half with my sword………oh, we’re on?”
I slick my hair back with my hand before I restart my promo.
Kurt Newman: “Enigma. I thought you were going to be a cool cat. Someone who would share my views of things……but I guess that mask shows how unawesome of an individual that you are. Maybe it’s on to tight because I think it’s cutting off blood circulation from your brain. I don’t know what you’ve been through in your life, but I can tell you, I’ve been through my own personal hell and it never changed the individual that you see today. I had a father that walked out on me and my mother when I was three, yet you still see a smile on my face. My mother was a meth head who used my child support money on meth and cocaine, and not on clothing or food for me…….but you still see a smile on my face. I grew up dirt poor on the streets of Chicago……..but you still see a smile on my face. I started off from not having a cent to my name and worked my way up into a very successful individual that you see today. I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs, and I’m aware that this world isn’t a pretty place…..but I still have a smile on my face. See Enigma, life can be so much worse than what it is now. I could have cancer. I could have aids. I could have a hamster up my ass. I could be dirt poor again or both my legs could be cut off. My life is really good at the moment. I enjoy each day to the fullest because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. So I think positively. I try to make my day a better one than the last. And I try to put a smile on my face because I know life is good. So I try to bring my positivity and my humor to as many people as I can…..to people that’s life isn’t that great. I want them to forget how crappy the world is around them. I want the people of the United States to forget that the President is a loser who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing as he transforms America into something completely wrong and disgusting. I want people in Europe to forget, just for a few minutes, that Europe is slowly falling apart. I want to let Canadians forget that they live in Canada. I want people to enjoy life, even if it’s for a few minutes, when they see my face. Enigma, I may act like a goof ball, I may act like a clown, and I may even act like an idiot. But this idiot can out wrestle anyone in the ring and kick their ass if they don’t watch themselves. You can talk about my match with Blaze, which I’m pretty sure you didn’t watch because if you truly did watch it, Blaze had to cheat to beat me because he’s a ball less son bitch. But I’m going to tell you what I told Blaze when we fought. You want to be a big shot around here? You want to be the face of MPW? You want a shot at the MPW World Title? Then you beat me in the ring, because I will put you over the limit and I’ll push you to placees that you’ve never been before. So bring all your toughness to the ring, because I’ll slap you around like the little girl that you are and bring you back to reality. Good luck though Enigma……because you’re going to need it…….and same with John…..I guess.”
I throw up a peace sign before standing up and walking out of my seat.
End Scene
