Post by Jake Cage on Sept 13, 2012 23:20:19 GMT -5
“I hope I can make it……I mean it’d really be awesome if they chose me to be honest. I know I have more talent than that guy. I mean all he does is stand there and get voice over’d the whole time. Really? My right pinky could do the job better than that……nope I promised myself I wasn’t going to make this personal. I am staying neutral on this and letting my talent and rugged good looks with a perfectly groomed beard do the talking. I better get this show on the road there isn’t much left that I need to………oh great…….”He” is here…….”
Jake Cage: Hey man…..uhhhhh what’s…..what’s up?
“He never talks to me he just stares at me over and over. I don’t get it? Is this the angle he has? Maybe he is the true Cerebral Assassin and Triple H is just a toucan sam rip off? I don’t know I’m stupid sometimes, maybe I’m over thinking this ever so slightly…..but….what if I’m not….what if he is egging me on? Daring me to do better than him the so-called ‘Master’! Well that does it! I’ll show him…….I’LL SHOW THE WORLD!”
Jake Cage: I’ve had enough of you! I’ve had enough of you stupid blue coat and your pointy red hat! I’ve had enough of you straggly unkempt beard! You don’t intimidataaaaaawww YIKES! What is wrong with you?
“Again with that cold stare??? This guy has ice in his veins. But I have to face my fears and stand up to him! Show him that he does not run this show! I am just as good if not better than him! I can do this! I’m the Real FN Deal Jake Cage! The MPW sensation sweeping the Bacon Nation!.......What? Someone has to appeal to the fat crowd…..Clash appeals to the gays, Trey for some reason has a weird connection to Church’s Chicken…….is it delicious though maybe he is on to something and then there’s my opponent for this week Kuk Killswitch he appeals to……well you see its simple there are people that mark out huge when he………Oh but you know damn well he always shows up and puts on a……………Pretty much I’m facing a guy that is one K short of a bed sheet. Must be cool being in that group though. I mean yes they have that ‘racist’ thing going on but take that away and what do you have? A toga party with a weenie roast. Hmmmmm I wonder if I will get in trouble for that one? Meh time will tell I guess. Could Kuk and I be any more different? I bet you he still loves Vanilla Coke to.....actually it is delicious I'm not going to lie.......Whoops must get back to the task at hand. My arch nemesis……this guy thinks he can start airing commercials and think he is the ‘man’? Well I am going to have something to say about that!”
Jake Cage: Listen here buddy I don’t like you…..I don’t like your attitude……Your hat is in very poor taste no one wears *makes fashion hand gestures* THIS anymore. You may think you are big and bad because you are on TV but I’m telling you! I’m telling the WORLD and by world I mean the 38 views I will get on YouTube for this…….I am not afraid of you anymore. You do not exist! You see I’m marching in that room and taking YOUR job! Because THAT is how I dinner roll…..don’t forget to wipe off the crumbs……..OWNED!
“Wow that just felt AMAZING! I can’t believe I stood up to him. It’s about time someone did though to be honest……He just has that intimidating presence. I bet you that’s why he has never been contested before. I mean it would make sense…..You need a beard, blue tweed jacket and a red point hat. I don’t think they will be sticklers for the black boots though I really hope my yellow canary crocs are ok. Oh what’s this?”
Woman: Misterrrrrrrrr Cage! Jake Cage here?
I raise my hand and give one last look at my competition as I walk by him.
Jake Cage: Don’t you give me that look you smug son of a………
Woman: Mister Cage?
Jake Cage: Here! I’ll just be a quick sec I uhhhhhhh
I drop my phone on the carpet on purpose.
Jake Cage: ………think I dropped my phone!
Woman: No problem! Just come in whenever you’re ready.
Jake Cage: Ok thanks!
“Good while I’m down here I might as well look at this smug son of a bitch in the eyes!”
I crotch down and pick up my phone and get in ‘His’ face.
Jake Cage: Look you’re going to have to find a new profession you understand? I’m new top dawg in town! DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get back to my feet and turn back as he gives me an evil glare.
Jake Cage: Alright fine calm down……jesum chrome you’re a hostile one aren’t you?
“No good luck or anything huh? That’s fine I see how it is…….Your ass is about to rammed Cage style!........wait! that didn’t sound right I think I may have stole that line from Johnny Clash. Damned gimmick infringement.”
I walk through the door and see the lady that called me in.
“Whose that next to her?…..hell that must be the big guy, the head cheese, the top dog….the janitor that fell asleep in the corner? Seriously what kind of company is this?”
Woman: Mr. Cage I am Marilyn Feeney. Tell me why you think you would be a better fit to be the spokesperson for Travelocity then a gnome that doesn’t speak, doesn’t get paid and has become a phenomenon of sorts.
“Doesn’t get paid? This gig is for free? The last time I did anything for free I woke up in the dumpster behind an IHOP with blueberries on my nipples. This has got to be better than when I was Geoffrey the Toys R Us Giraffe though.”
Jake Cage: Why am I better??? Well let’s look at the simple fact that all he does is stand in one spot or get placed in very whimsical scenarios. Now I admit I am far from being the wily old commercial veteran that my rival is played up as here but I bring something different to the table……something so ground breaking that no one on this earth will be able to match it……
Marilyn Feeney: Ok? And that would be……………
Jake Cage: I’m Jake Cage babay!
“There sold it! Clean up your desk Gnomey…There is a new……wait why is she staring at me like Carter does when I ask him to go out for beer?”
Marilyn Feeney: Wait…..That’s it? So because you’re Jake Cage I’m supposed to offer you thousands of dollars to become the Travelocity spokesperson? Mr. Cage I don’t know who you think you are trying to fool with the sun yellow crocs….
Jake Cage: Actually canary yellow……but….
“She’s getting awfully close to me….”
Marilyn Feeney: As I was saying! This ridiculous tweed blue jacket that smells like moth balls…..
Jake Cage: I can explain that….you see we have this guy Rage…..
“She’s right on my toes now…..OW….damn crocs…..but they are do damned comfy!”
Marilyn Feeney: This stupid pointed red hat that is just a rolled up piece of construction paper…..
Jake Cage: Dollar Tree…..one dollar would you believe it?
Marilyn Feeney: And that beard…….How fake can that beard be……I mean I bet you if I pulled on it would just snap right……..
Jake Cage: OWWWWWWW HOLY BEACH BALLS IN THE FALL!!! YOU NEVER TUG ON SUPERMAN’S CAPE WOMAN! And by cape I mean my pristine beard……wait no…..are….are those?
“My god no! She has beard hair in her hand……that wench……that vile disgusting wench! How could she……..wait she’s looking at me weird…….like how Clash looks at Rage whilst they walk hand and hand on a beach.”
Jake Cage: Listen here lady…..you never ever touch the beard! It was on the tablets when Moses came down from the mountain….the eleventh commandment said…..”Thou shalt not touch a man’s beard!”
“She looking at me with hungry eyes now….”
Marilyn Feeney: One has to wonder if you’re man enough to grow that beard are you man enough in other areas…….
Jake Cage: Ummmm what are you doing?
Marilyn Feeney: Oh don’t play coy with me Mr. Cage……I will send you to places you didn’t know existed…..
Jake Cage: Really? WOW! Because I’ve always been a fan of……
“Oh my god her tongue is in my mouth……it tastes like death……..I gotta break free of this……Oh I know nipple twist!”
Marilyn Feeney: OW! Roaaaarrrrrr I like it….
“I don’t get it…….works on Carter all the time! Oh no!”
Jake Cage: Well look I better be getting out of here…..Thanks for the opportunity but I kinda gotta a good gig going over in MPW and that gnome guy seemed real pissed that I kinda invaded his turf and all…….OH MY LORD SHE’S JUMPING WITH CLAWS OUT!
I quickly get out through the door and slam it shut as she hits it face first.
“Huh….they fall slowly on the glass like in cartoons….OH….there he is again!"
Jake Cage: Look buddy you can keep your stupid job…..I don’t want it! Take your hat and your stupid jacket…….but I’m keeping my crocs!
“That’ll teach him….oh oh…..didn’t realize that long jacket was covering my cat in the hat boxers……..Oh boy……”
Jake Cage: Well…..have a lovely day everyone……
I grab my phone.
“Only one number to call! MY boy! Damnit voicemail again!”
Jake Cage: Hey buddy its me…..listen…..I kinda botched the big audition today and threw my clothes on the floor…..could you by chance drive down here and bring some new ones? I got that match tomorrow against some old hardcore wannabe with a bad beard called Kuk Killswitch….you know I will do it bro…..Deakbreaker…..Bazinga! BANG! Your Decision and it’s done! We go for beers after….cool bro? Later……..please pick up its getting chilly and the mouse is creeping back in the house……..Christian…..chris……BEEEP!
“Damn it! He never answers his phone when I call what the hell?!?! He knows how important tonight was for me! Well on to tomorrow night! Kuk my good man you may think I’m a joke but once I am between those ropes the joke will be on you……so seriously it will because if Carter doesn’t get me my clothes and that you’ll be wrestling a man with cat in the hat boxers and canary yellow crocs! You know what? I’d still win because I am the Real FN Deal for a reason and I am a part of YOUR balanced breakfast so you can just EAT ME!!!! I swear one of these days Clash is going to hear that and get the wrong idea I swear…….”
I walk outside the building and look around for Carter……
“No worries…..he’s my boy…..I’m sure he will be out here any second…….seriously what could he be doing that’s so damned important?!?! I guess I will just be taking a cab then…….wait where’s my?”
I turned around and look up to the third floor window……
“You little!”
“This isn’t over!”
Jake Cage: Hey man…..uhhhhh what’s…..what’s up?
“He never talks to me he just stares at me over and over. I don’t get it? Is this the angle he has? Maybe he is the true Cerebral Assassin and Triple H is just a toucan sam rip off? I don’t know I’m stupid sometimes, maybe I’m over thinking this ever so slightly…..but….what if I’m not….what if he is egging me on? Daring me to do better than him the so-called ‘Master’! Well that does it! I’ll show him…….I’LL SHOW THE WORLD!”
Jake Cage: I’ve had enough of you! I’ve had enough of you stupid blue coat and your pointy red hat! I’ve had enough of you straggly unkempt beard! You don’t intimidataaaaaawww YIKES! What is wrong with you?
“Again with that cold stare??? This guy has ice in his veins. But I have to face my fears and stand up to him! Show him that he does not run this show! I am just as good if not better than him! I can do this! I’m the Real FN Deal Jake Cage! The MPW sensation sweeping the Bacon Nation!.......What? Someone has to appeal to the fat crowd…..Clash appeals to the gays, Trey for some reason has a weird connection to Church’s Chicken…….is it delicious though maybe he is on to something and then there’s my opponent for this week Kuk Killswitch he appeals to……well you see its simple there are people that mark out huge when he………Oh but you know damn well he always shows up and puts on a……………Pretty much I’m facing a guy that is one K short of a bed sheet. Must be cool being in that group though. I mean yes they have that ‘racist’ thing going on but take that away and what do you have? A toga party with a weenie roast. Hmmmmm I wonder if I will get in trouble for that one? Meh time will tell I guess. Could Kuk and I be any more different? I bet you he still loves Vanilla Coke to.....actually it is delicious I'm not going to lie.......Whoops must get back to the task at hand. My arch nemesis……this guy thinks he can start airing commercials and think he is the ‘man’? Well I am going to have something to say about that!”
Jake Cage: Listen here buddy I don’t like you…..I don’t like your attitude……Your hat is in very poor taste no one wears *makes fashion hand gestures* THIS anymore. You may think you are big and bad because you are on TV but I’m telling you! I’m telling the WORLD and by world I mean the 38 views I will get on YouTube for this…….I am not afraid of you anymore. You do not exist! You see I’m marching in that room and taking YOUR job! Because THAT is how I dinner roll…..don’t forget to wipe off the crumbs……..OWNED!
“Wow that just felt AMAZING! I can’t believe I stood up to him. It’s about time someone did though to be honest……He just has that intimidating presence. I bet you that’s why he has never been contested before. I mean it would make sense…..You need a beard, blue tweed jacket and a red point hat. I don’t think they will be sticklers for the black boots though I really hope my yellow canary crocs are ok. Oh what’s this?”
Woman: Misterrrrrrrrr Cage! Jake Cage here?
I raise my hand and give one last look at my competition as I walk by him.
Jake Cage: Don’t you give me that look you smug son of a………
Woman: Mister Cage?
Jake Cage: Here! I’ll just be a quick sec I uhhhhhhh
I drop my phone on the carpet on purpose.
Jake Cage: ………think I dropped my phone!
Woman: No problem! Just come in whenever you’re ready.
Jake Cage: Ok thanks!
“Good while I’m down here I might as well look at this smug son of a bitch in the eyes!”
I crotch down and pick up my phone and get in ‘His’ face.
Jake Cage: Look you’re going to have to find a new profession you understand? I’m new top dawg in town! DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get back to my feet and turn back as he gives me an evil glare.
Jake Cage: Alright fine calm down……jesum chrome you’re a hostile one aren’t you?
“No good luck or anything huh? That’s fine I see how it is…….Your ass is about to rammed Cage style!........wait! that didn’t sound right I think I may have stole that line from Johnny Clash. Damned gimmick infringement.”
I walk through the door and see the lady that called me in.
“Whose that next to her?…..hell that must be the big guy, the head cheese, the top dog….the janitor that fell asleep in the corner? Seriously what kind of company is this?”
Woman: Mr. Cage I am Marilyn Feeney. Tell me why you think you would be a better fit to be the spokesperson for Travelocity then a gnome that doesn’t speak, doesn’t get paid and has become a phenomenon of sorts.
“Doesn’t get paid? This gig is for free? The last time I did anything for free I woke up in the dumpster behind an IHOP with blueberries on my nipples. This has got to be better than when I was Geoffrey the Toys R Us Giraffe though.”
Jake Cage: Why am I better??? Well let’s look at the simple fact that all he does is stand in one spot or get placed in very whimsical scenarios. Now I admit I am far from being the wily old commercial veteran that my rival is played up as here but I bring something different to the table……something so ground breaking that no one on this earth will be able to match it……
Marilyn Feeney: Ok? And that would be……………
Jake Cage: I’m Jake Cage babay!
“There sold it! Clean up your desk Gnomey…There is a new……wait why is she staring at me like Carter does when I ask him to go out for beer?”
Marilyn Feeney: Wait…..That’s it? So because you’re Jake Cage I’m supposed to offer you thousands of dollars to become the Travelocity spokesperson? Mr. Cage I don’t know who you think you are trying to fool with the sun yellow crocs….
Jake Cage: Actually canary yellow……but….
“She’s getting awfully close to me….”
Marilyn Feeney: As I was saying! This ridiculous tweed blue jacket that smells like moth balls…..
Jake Cage: I can explain that….you see we have this guy Rage…..
“She’s right on my toes now…..OW….damn crocs…..but they are do damned comfy!”
Marilyn Feeney: This stupid pointed red hat that is just a rolled up piece of construction paper…..
Jake Cage: Dollar Tree…..one dollar would you believe it?
Marilyn Feeney: And that beard…….How fake can that beard be……I mean I bet you if I pulled on it would just snap right……..
Jake Cage: OWWWWWWW HOLY BEACH BALLS IN THE FALL!!! YOU NEVER TUG ON SUPERMAN’S CAPE WOMAN! And by cape I mean my pristine beard……wait no…..are….are those?
“My god no! She has beard hair in her hand……that wench……that vile disgusting wench! How could she……..wait she’s looking at me weird…….like how Clash looks at Rage whilst they walk hand and hand on a beach.”
Jake Cage: Listen here lady…..you never ever touch the beard! It was on the tablets when Moses came down from the mountain….the eleventh commandment said…..”Thou shalt not touch a man’s beard!”
“She looking at me with hungry eyes now….”
Marilyn Feeney: One has to wonder if you’re man enough to grow that beard are you man enough in other areas…….
Jake Cage: Ummmm what are you doing?
Marilyn Feeney: Oh don’t play coy with me Mr. Cage……I will send you to places you didn’t know existed…..
Jake Cage: Really? WOW! Because I’ve always been a fan of……
“Oh my god her tongue is in my mouth……it tastes like death……..I gotta break free of this……Oh I know nipple twist!”
Marilyn Feeney: OW! Roaaaarrrrrr I like it….
“I don’t get it…….works on Carter all the time! Oh no!”
Jake Cage: Well look I better be getting out of here…..Thanks for the opportunity but I kinda gotta a good gig going over in MPW and that gnome guy seemed real pissed that I kinda invaded his turf and all…….OH MY LORD SHE’S JUMPING WITH CLAWS OUT!
I quickly get out through the door and slam it shut as she hits it face first.
“Huh….they fall slowly on the glass like in cartoons….OH….there he is again!"
Jake Cage: Look buddy you can keep your stupid job…..I don’t want it! Take your hat and your stupid jacket…….but I’m keeping my crocs!
“That’ll teach him….oh oh…..didn’t realize that long jacket was covering my cat in the hat boxers……..Oh boy……”
Jake Cage: Well…..have a lovely day everyone……
I grab my phone.
“Only one number to call! MY boy! Damnit voicemail again!”
Jake Cage: Hey buddy its me…..listen…..I kinda botched the big audition today and threw my clothes on the floor…..could you by chance drive down here and bring some new ones? I got that match tomorrow against some old hardcore wannabe with a bad beard called Kuk Killswitch….you know I will do it bro…..Deakbreaker…..Bazinga! BANG! Your Decision and it’s done! We go for beers after….cool bro? Later……..please pick up its getting chilly and the mouse is creeping back in the house……..Christian…..chris……BEEEP!
“Damn it! He never answers his phone when I call what the hell?!?! He knows how important tonight was for me! Well on to tomorrow night! Kuk my good man you may think I’m a joke but once I am between those ropes the joke will be on you……so seriously it will because if Carter doesn’t get me my clothes and that you’ll be wrestling a man with cat in the hat boxers and canary yellow crocs! You know what? I’d still win because I am the Real FN Deal for a reason and I am a part of YOUR balanced breakfast so you can just EAT ME!!!! I swear one of these days Clash is going to hear that and get the wrong idea I swear…….”
I walk outside the building and look around for Carter……
“No worries…..he’s my boy…..I’m sure he will be out here any second…….seriously what could he be doing that’s so damned important?!?! I guess I will just be taking a cab then…….wait where’s my?”
I turned around and look up to the third floor window……
“You little!”
“This isn’t over!”
